Right now I have so many emotions, so much turmoil in my soul, it is becoming over baring and suffocating. Not knowing how to stay on top of it all, not being able to put into words how I feel about everything, it is reeking havoc on me right now. I am up, I am down, I plaster a smile on my face for all to see, trying not to show my cracks. But Monday about broke me, broke my heart, broke my soul, broke almost all of me.
Lily no longer comes running to me. She gets excited and calls "Mama, Mama" but as soon as she is out of the car she turns around and looks for daddy and grabs his hand. While in the doctors office its not my lap she wants to sit on, its daddy's. When she gets his finger poked, its not me she looks to for comfort, its daddy. She runs to him and buries her head into his lap, she offers kisses freely to him, while turning her head away from me when I ask. Only to get kisses once daddy says, "Lily give mommy a kiss." I never use to have to ask, she never use to run away from me. Its not fair, I carried her, she is mine, heart, body, soul, and mind. I struggled with her through everything. Being with her at the hospital every moment that I possibly could, daddy only being there for surgeries and then to come and pick us up or to come by for a quick visit. And now I am turned away from. She has not trust for me, I have always been the one to hand her over to the doctors. The one who has allowed them to poke at her. And now I am not there, mommy isn't there to pick her up in the morning. Mommy isn't there chasing her around the house. I am not there to hold her when she cries. I am not a mommy right now, I feel useless. I feel broken and pointless. I have failed my children by not being able to love their father, by saying I couldn't take a loveless marriage any longer. I failed them by not being there for them right now.
When we went to go leave the mall on Monday, after Chris "graciously" let me spend over an hour with my children, Lily was walking ahead with her daddy. I was walking behind hand in hand with the boys. While Lily got to the car before me and she didn't see me and I heard her screaming, "Mama, I want Mama." I couldn't run to the car quick enough, when I got there, and she saw me, she ran up and wrapped her arms around my legs and hugged me and held onto me for dear life. I almost cried right there but not wanting to explain the tears to Lucas and Austin, I held them at bay as I leaned down and picked Lily up. I wrapped her in my arms, I laid her head on my shoulder, and I whispered in her ear, "Near or far my Lilybug, mommy will always be right here with you." I tapped on her chest and gave her kisses all over her face. I had to put her in the car and she wouldn't let go. Having to pry her fingers off of me, having to kiss all my babies faces goodbye, how cruel. Lucas sitting over in his seat with tears threatening behind his eyes. Leaning over telling him "Baby don't cry, Mommy will see you again soon." Him sadly smiling and saying, "But I don't have next Monday off mommy." How do I look at him and tell him that I don't know when I will see him again. That I am at the mercy of his father right now. Until a judge tells me otherwise. Because going and getting them would start an tug of war and is frowned upon.
I ache daily for them, they are my first waking thought, and my last before sleep. I crave their smell, I long for their kisses, and my world rests in their pudgy little hands when I hold them. I miss them more then I have ever missed anything in life, trying my best not to have panic attacks when I hit my lows, knowing this won't last forever. But with each passing day, I feel this hole in my heart is never going to be mended. I just want this ache to stop...it hurts so bad....so bad...
My Dearest Lucas, My Precious Austin, and My Sweet Sweet Lily, mommy miss you so much and not a day goes by that I don't count until you are back with me. I love you more then you will ever know. I send you kisses, I send you hugs, and I send you my endless love.
Forever in my heart,
Transplant Day 8
22 hours ago