As the clock works against me I realize sleep will not be joining me until after the journey of this day takes place. So I will sit and do what I have done with my three previous pregnancies, I will write about the whole journey up until now. With a sense of nostalgia and a sense of closure I write this. I remember the day I took my first pregnancy test, I looked down at it, there was a faint second pink line, I felt like it was my first pregnancy all over. Thinking it had to be a mistake, my eyes were playing tricks on me. 4 tests later and a humorous walk around Walgreens with a friend asking if what we saw on the pregnancy test was indeed a positive result, it was then I finally accepted the fate of the test. I took a picture of it, Rick was at work, I should have told him in person but I was a coward and chose to send him a text message instead. I of course regret it to this day because I never saw his face in response. I know neither of us were excited, it was more of a shock. I digested the news and so did he, then we just kept marching forward. A few weeks later my pregnancy was confirmed with my ob/gyn, with the standard, "Congratulation's you're pregnant."
The beginning of very rocky pregnancy, emotionally, mentally, and physically. The sickness didn't kick in right away, but once it hit, I was down for the count. To say I don't miss that is an understatement. In and out of the hospital, migraines constantly, not being able to keep anything down, it was awful. Trying to start a new job while trying to get the sickness under control was not the easiest thing in the world, but life doesn't stand still for pregnancies, and as long as I was in no immediate danger of hurting the baby, my body would just have to handle the abuse. I remember when I finally hit the 20 week mark, we all hoped things would calm down, in sorts they did, I was on a handful of medications to try to stabilize my health. All the while my little one tucked safely in my belly was strong as ever. I remember saying I didn't care if we had a boy or a girl because all I wanted was healthy, but deep down I was begging for a girl, to do all the things I never got to do with Lily in the beginning. Discussing names was never easier, and in all honesty Elaina wasn't supposed to be Elaina to begin with. Only few know this but we had originally picked out Dalylah Jeanine for a girl, as much as I liked the name, something just didn't fit right with me, I could hear myself calling her Lylah but never Dalylah, yet Elaina rang loud and clear to me. I have always been about elegant girl names, that have power to them, well her name may be a mouthful, but to me its perfect.
I have dreamt about her, her tiny little nose like her daddies, perfect little lips, and I keep dreaming of green eyes. Now that may be wishful thinking, but one can hold out hope. After the few weeks of calm, the second storm hit, and little Miss Elaina decided to test out what it was like to experience contractions. Fighting to stop them constantly, teetering on the brink of bed rest, narrowly escaping it many times, I just came to the acceptance that she just wasn't going to make this easy on me at all. I guess I got use to easy pregnancies, Lucas and Austin were a breeze, people says boys usually are. Lily I was sick in the beginning, and granted I had a million appointments because of her heart, the pregnancy was smooth. I guess I needed a "Mr.Toad's Wild Ride" experience with my last pregnancy. Trying to remember to find the joy has often been hard. When I was at my worst days I'd tell myself that there are many woman out there who would give anything to be experiencing any of this, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Yet there were still days where I couldn't help but turn my head to the heavens and ask why. I was so sick of being sick, and sick of being pregnant, and this was at 27weeks, heck even earlier. My body hated me, yet Laina loved me. Her little kicks were always a gentle reminder that this was all for something beautiful. I remember Rick's face the first time he felt her move, the look of wonder, and then when they became more he would try to play with her.
Now here we are, I am huge, ok not huge, but big enough, my body hurts, her little kicks are not so little anymore, and all that preterm labor she had been giving me, she decided that she now prefers to stay in my belly. Well her bubble is about to be popped quite literally, her eviction notice was posted and this mommy couldn't be happier. Yet as I sit here and cradle my belly one last night, she wiggles and is now kicking the laptop as I sit and type this, protesting the invasion of her space, I feel a profound sense of sadness. She may be killing my ribs, making it hard to breathe, but this is my last night ever being pregnant, ever feeling a baby move within. The last time I will feel her hiccups on top of my bladder causing me to run to the bathroom quicker then the roadrunner being chased by the coyote. It is the last night Rick will hold my belly so carefully as I lay next to him, making sure he doesn't squish her and cause her to protest. I know my body couldn't handle another pregnancy even if I wanted another little one, but it doesn't lessen the emotions. Four kids by 25, never thought I would be saying that.
So now the only thing left to be done, is make myself a cup of tea like I did with the boys, and sit with it and watch the rising of the sun before taking my shower and kicking off this fabulous day. Today is my youngest daughters birthday, today I am going to be a mommy again. What a beautiful happy day it truly is.
Happy Birthday Elaina Elizabeth Jeanine Stetson, you may not be out of me yet, but you will be shortly. You are being awaited for eagerly, you are loved already more then you will ever know.
I updated my facebook throughout the day letting everyone know my progress, I went from 8am to Noonish without an epidural, I wanted to go through the whole thing without one, but it just wasn't happening. It was a great epi I might add, I was a HAPPY woman once it kicked it.
She weighed 8lbs....yes...8lbs...My doctor said when she came out, "Wasn't expecting that. Where did you come from" To say she shocked us all with her size is an understatement