WOAH.....Way to many emotions!

As I sit here and reflect on the last two days my emotions have been all over the place. I have gone from severe anger to crying like a baby. Lily is ok...a little shaky and has me on edge but ok. She has turned a dusky color a few times since being home but her lips have turned blue quite a few times since being home and as I watch her breath she seems to be breathing a little faster then normal. I actually had a friend of mine listen to her, her lungs are clear and her heart sounds as fine as it usually does, it is hanging in the 150-160 bpm, but I dont know...something doesnt feel right when I look at her. She has been so cranky lately, her wrist where they tried to get her art line put in and failed was sewn back closed and a suture is still in there and now it is red and puffy, no puss but a little warm. The last place I want to take her is the ER with all the germs unless I absoulutly have to. UGH.......no rest for the weary!

So I had an extreeme case of dejavu the other day. A friend of ours little girl is back in the hospital after a very scary case of heart failure. Baby Bela is her name, her and Lily were born on the same day, just hours apart from eachother! She was born with HLHS and had the Hybrid done and did great. But the other day she took a turn for the worse....her o2 sats were beyond low and she was grey and blue...never something you want to see your child look like. They rushed her to St.Joes and her sats came back up but then dropped again, they admitted her and then the next thing you know she was intahbated and then coded twice.

It all rushes back to me, the sounds of the moniters, the dinging of her vent, nurses and doctors running around, yelling orders to eachother...as you stand there helpless...your arms ache because hours ago you had your precious child in your arms, with those little eyes looking at you and now you look at your child and they are listless and pale. Such shock overcomes you, you begin to ask yourself how did this happen? Just the other day she was doing fine, was there something I could have done to prevent this? You just want to take all this away from them, place it upon your own heart...so their can be healed. Being the mother or a CHD baby demands so much from you and I am not talking physically, but mentaly and emotionaly. You dont know what tomorrow will bring, if you baby will be in your arms or in the arms of the lord instead. You have so much put on your plate for taking care of them, and you would change nothing about it. You will walk hours at night to calm them and not let them cry because you know it is not good for their heart to cry, even if that means you get no more then a hour of sleep before you older children wake up. You will forgo ever luxery in life just to keep this precious child here with you. You can never explain to another parent what it is like to lead the life that a CHD parent leads. The worries that come with it, the heartache that comes with it......the unknowing that comes with it. You give it to God and try to remind yourself daily that it is in his hands and always has been .

Matthew 6:34.
"So do not worry about tomorrow ; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.