Well the day finally came, and it is a bitter sweet day. My baby girl is half a year old...the BIG 6 months...as I look at the date on the wall, I truly feel blessed, relieved, happy, sad, and angry. Where do all those emotions come from...well I will break it down for everyone.
Blessed: I truly feel blessed each day I awake and hear my little girl babbling in her crib...even crying at me in her way of ....MOOOOMMMMMM Get UP...Get me out of this thing...lets start this new day already." She is an inspiring child, and I love that I get to call her mine.
Relieved: I am relieved to have made it this far from her birth. That even though with her complications, that she is here...living, breathing, and smiling. That she is home, and doing well for the time being...
Happy: I am happy that she is such a content baby. I felt that after her going through so much she would be cranky and hate the world...Lord knows I would after 2 open hear surgerys, and 4 seperate hospital stays...becoming the human pincushion....But here she is, her smile raidates to all that she meets. Her smile can melt the meanest of hearts and warm it. Even people that dont like children are drawn to her. I have had many people stop me to adore her...once I had a woman tell me, she decided not to have children due to the fact that they are to much work and she was just to selfish...now her time has run out and here she is, no children, no husband and usually is so bitter about all of it, she cant stand the sight of kids. But something about Lily stopped her...and made her come over to see her....She asked me how old she was...and i filled her in and told her she was truly our miracle...we talked for a good 20 mins, right there in the mall, a random stranger and I. She had tears by the time she walked away from me...and said she wished she wouldnt have been so selfish...because she said she saw at that moment in time from me, that being a mother is better then anything life can offer...I cried with her...Lily inspiers many, she doesn't mean to...but being such a beautiful baby, and such a special little girl...she does it without even meaning to. I am love holding her, cuddling her, and kissing her. She is my ray of sunshine.
Sad: Now I know...you are thinking...how in the world can she be sad after all she has mentioned above...well you see...even though my little girl is 6 months old, to me she only feels about 4 months old, i feel like i lost time due to her hospital stays and surgeries. I didnt get to be a mommy right away with her like I did with my boys....I was always afraid that I wasnt going to bond with her like I did with my boys... I was so excited when I found out she was going to be a girl....I had wanted a little girl since I was pregnant with Lucas....I love my boys...no doubt about that....but there is just something special about a girl...I think all mothers invission them self having a little girl when they are children....well I finally got my little girl but at such a heavy price...it saddens me that she wont be able to do everything that I have done, such as run track, played sports, etc.... To see her face get sad when I have to tell her no, that she cant do things like that because she runs risk of hurting her heart...I can hear her tantrums now(I already KNOW there are going to be tantrums....she is my daughter after all). What I wouldnt give to make her heart all better, but that will never happen...her heart will never truly be fixed...just temporaily repaired.
Angery: so...anger....oh boy....hold on to your seats. I am not angry at Lilys condition...what will be will be, and what is, is...but I am angery at how many it effects with no warning. I am angry that there are parents out there crying into their pillows at night because the crib in the next room is empty. I am angery because parents that try so hard to concieve end up with heartache and pain, and uncertianty. I am angery because at this moment in time, as I celabrate Lily being 6 months, happy, and as healthy as she can be for a baby with CHD, a friend of ours is Celabrating her daughters 6 months in the hospital, while she is hooked up to monitors and IV's, fighting for her life, and then another friend of ours, is moruning the loss of her child, who would have been 6 months today just like Lily. Some days I feel guilty for being so happy while others are in so much pain and anguish, and that angers me. None of this is fair... But then again, life is never fair...we lost that shot when we(Eve that is) took that apple off the tree and took a big large bite out of it...I hope that was the best dang apple ever....Thanks Eve!....Thanks...
Now....lets move past the above and talk about Little Miss Ray of Sunshine. She is doing well, we haven't had to make a phone call to the Heart & Lung Institute in over a month...I cant believe it...I am loving life right now without having so many apts. They get wearing...nerve racking...and just plain aggrivating. I took Lily to the Peds office and she got 5 shots...poor baby girl...but she took it like a trooper, smiled until the second one, and only did she being to scream when the shot was injected...and as soon as the last was done she stopped crying and looked at me like" Gee thanks mom...such a big bad protector you were" I got her dressed and looked at her bandaids in excitement...no I was not happy that she had them...but I was happy because they were....PINK...yes..you heard me right...I was over the moon and back that my little girl got PINK bandaids...can you tell how much I have longed to have a little girl? When we got home, i pulled her clothes off and called Daddy out from the boys room and said"Daddy Look, PINK bandaids!" He rolled his eyes but took her from me and said" My princess has pink bandaids, what a big girl you are" She smiled like always at him, she adores her daddy, and when he is around only has eyes for him. They sit here at the computer together and she likes to help push buttons for him, he never tells her no, just readjusts her out of reach of the keyboard. Even when she is screaming all he says is, Lilyana, what is all that nosie about.... She has daddy wrapped around her finger...even though he will deny it.
Soooo.....all in all, Lilyana is well, and getting big, and I am starting to miss things seeing I just started work. Seeing I haven't updated on here in a while no one really knows what is going on, but Chris and I are divorcing, that is why I now have a job and working oppiosite schedules of him so that the kids never go into daycare...they never haver strangers taking care of them, just mommy and daddy. Things are going to be rough over the next little while, but nothing that I cant weather a storm against. We are making things as civil as possible for the childrens sake, we dont want them to think it is their fault, which it isnt....so...we keep things peacful...and right now they know nothing is going on. It is a long story, one that I dont have time to go into due to the fact that I need to go to bed now...because I have to be up at 1 am which is 3 1/2 hours from now...so....I will wrap this up for now...and I will try to update at a later time.
!VIDEO CLIP UNDER ALL THE PICTURES!
Smile my Lily girl...smile
Don't think to hard....
Such Happiness
One of the 3 loves of my life!
I took this picture like the one above...and I love the face I captured!
Such a Big smile, for such a big girl!
Sporting the cuteness
How I wish she could sit up on her own
Brotherly Love
How can you resist the cuteness...Those cheeks are my favorite snack....My little sugar booger!
http://www.onetruemedia.com/share_view_player?p=6d469c543a426d3bd3630f"
2 comments:
You truly have a beautiful little girl there. A treasure. What a blessing.
Alison
the Bernard Bunch
That really was a wonderful post. You explained the emotions so well that a heart mommy can feel. Lily is absolutely adorable and I am so happy that she is doing so well.
Keisa
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