My nerves, my miralce!

This is me waiting durring Lily's second surgery for news of how she was doing!

Ok...so I know I said I wouldn't post again unless something came up....so just to calm everyone elses nerves...Lily is fine...it is me that I is falling apart. I am on an emotinal roller coaster ride. I don't know if it has to do with the lack of sleep, or the stress from Chris and my divorce process, but I am phyicaly sick about this apt coming on Wed. My grandmother reminded me today not to borrow tomorrows troubles but golly...how can you not when you have been to the depths of heck and back several times with your child...knowing that each day you have is the truest blessing. I can't shake this awful feeling that when we go in on Wed they are going to drop a bomb shell like they did last time and tell me that my baby girl needs to stay at the hospital....or that we are going to have to go back soon because something is wrong with her heart again. I don't think I can take that again. I have almost lost her twice...not something that I want to relive again anytime soon.

When I do find time sleep, all my dreams are about her second surgery, when Dr. Cleavland walked into the play room and up to us and began to tell us how rough of a surgery it was. I remember, Tanner(Bela's father), Matt(Addisons father), Drew(Addisons brother), and Drew's grandmother were all in the room....and it became quite... I got up from my mindless task of coloring and took Chris's hand as we walked out into the hallway. I remember grabing onto the wall railing for support because the look on Dr. Cleavlands face was not one of good news. I remember to this day the words that came past his lips, "The surgery was a lot harder then we anticipated it to be, there was a lot of scar tissue there, in all honesty, this was the worst case of this we have seen so shortly after a previous surgery. She had a VERY hard time coming off Bypass, her heart is very weak. She has a lot of fulid on her and the next 24 to 48 hours are going to be the most critical, IF she makes it through them." The word "IF" still echos in my head...I still get that sickning feeling when it all replays in my mind. Even when I ask the Lord Almighty to take these thoughts from my head, they are still there. I believe he has left them there so I will never forget what a miracle Lily is. But in my dream, I still remember shaking my head and letting go of the railing, reaching for Chris's hand, relieved when I found it.

We walked back into the play room, and I silently put away the crayons, while shaking. I took the cell phone from Chris to call my family, which I have to say was one of the hardest phone calls to this day to make. My daddy picked up the phone on the first ring and said "So, what is the news?" I told him all of what the surgeon told me, it was so silent on the other end I thought he may have dropped the phone, but he said "Have you seen her yet?" i told he we hadn't they were still getting her situated in her room...that I would call back once I saw her, he said that would wait for the call...I knew he was choking back sobs, I found out later from my stepmom that as soon as he hung up he was crying, and broke the news to the rest of the family. As I walked into the room, I couldn't even see my daughter...there was so many around her, her nurse came up to me which was Mary Rose and then Maria, and they told me that this surgery wasn't like the first one, to be prepared as I walked up to the bed. I am glad I was holding onto them when I walked up...I can still so vividly see the blood running down her sides, the sounds of all the alarms, it was awful....

as I sit here and type this I can barely see through my tears because it is all still so fresh....I am so scared of this happening again. I can't even being to invission my life without my Lilybug....So...until we get a clean bill of health from the Cardi on Wed....or until we get any news...I am going to be an emotional wreck....

So seeing I didnt start this blog until after Lily's second surgery, I don't think I ever shared any pictures of it. Please know, these are not for the faint of heart, these are very graphic pictures. But these are our life....these are what our lives consist of now, this is our daughter and the miracle she is!

For those who have never watched them, on the left side of the page are 2 video montages, of her first and second surgery. While watching them you will see other montages that I have created. there is one called Imagine.....The Life of a CHD Parent...it is a 21 min montage but worth every moment of it, if you have the time to watch it is that is!

(This is when they were walking away with my life)

These next 2 pictures were photoshopped for us...they are 2 of my favorites along with the one at the top of this post...Chris's took the picture at the top, and in all honesty I didn't even know it was on the camera until I pulgged it in...needless to say, you know I was an emotianl wreck...but I am gald he took the picture...it showed the emotion I felt that day!







All in all she was being kept alive by 18 pumps that day and she had 4 different blood products running through her!