Lily and Lucas's Night

It is 3:40am...and I sit here praying silently as everyone is asleep but Lily and myself. The sounds of her cough kept me from a deep sleep. Listening for any sign of trouble, and that was what I heard just 15 minutes ago. My baby girl has her crib elevated, along with the humidifier going and nothing is seeming to help. She started to have more and more coughing fits to the point I was sitting on the floor next to her crib with my arms between the bars patting her back as she gasped. It finally got so bad I woke Chris up and pulled her out of bed because she was gagging. As soon as she was in my arms she was gasping and gagging...the next thing I know she was throwing up in my hands, and it was pure mucus, then the second gag was more mucus and milk, and I saw a speck of blood. She cried but looked a million times better and sounded just that, a million times better. She cried, and I sang her, her sweet song, praying silently while I did. Just asking for calmness and rest to over come her body, so we didn't have to make another ER trip at 4 0'clock in the morning. But as I sit here and type I can still here her coughing, not nearly as bad before, but coughing hard none the less. She looks miserable, which is how I know she feels. But I have to remind myself it is just a respiratory virus that she has to fight off, but how much can she take before she is to weak. I know in the hospital anytime she would go into a coughing fit she would drop her Sat's into the 80's and then come back up. I am sickened that I can do nothing but just sit here, just sit and pray. Pray that she will over come this cold and it won't do any damage to her heart. I know it may seem silly to many, but colds scare the Ba-gee-bees out of me. The colds seem to have hit the McLaughlin Household something awful too.

Lucas was up all last night screaming and crying. I think he was having night terrors. That is the only thing I can think of. It was awful! Every five minutes he would wake up screaming, "Mommy, Mommy, I'm lost, where are you mommy".......or "Mommy, Mommy, don't leave me mommy".....he also would call for Grandma and Grandpa, and daddy also. Saying he wanted to see them, to make sure they were alright. Then he also awoke one time saying there was a monster in his closet, which made no sense to us. Seeing I do not let him watch scary movies or cartoons that have scary things in it because I was always sensitive to those types of things as a child and I know we have an over active imagination at that age. But scream he did, about a lot of things that made no sense. It broke my heart because no matter how many times we comforted him and told him it was ok, that mommy and daddy were right here, he still woke up screaming. I even got him out of bed and brought him to the living room and had him lay on my lap, knowing that if you sometimes get up out of bed and move around it stops the bad dreams. No, not with my son it doesn't. I felt a very uncomfortable spirit in my house last night, it was full of unease and tension.
Lucas confirmed last night that I needed to spend some time on my knees last night before I went to bed, when he woke up screaming once more. What he said still scares me...it shocked me when he said it too. He was tossing and turning, screaming, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, please don't leave me mommy, please don't leave me." I ran into the room and shook him awake, or at least I thought he was,"Lucas baby it's ok mommy is here honey, I am right here." He looked at me and cried, "Mommy please don't leave me in the bright white room....please don't leave me with all those people mommy, I don't want you to leave me alone....mommy don't leave me there." He wrapped his arms around me and he was crying still. I rubbed his back, "What white room Lucas? What people honey? Where were you Lucas?" He just cried, never answered me, I rubbed his back until he fell back to sleep. I hummed to him and tucked him back in, and prayed.

I left his room with a sense of unease, I wrapped my arms around me, and thought about what he said. We have told him about death, that when you die, that your body will remain here on earth in the ground but your spirit returns to heaven. That even though you close your eyes here, when you open them again, you will be in heaven, you will be with God in his house. We told him that he would see Great Grandpa Bruce in heaven along with lots of other people. We didn't tell him this recently either, this has been talked about since Lily was born. We wanted to make sure the boys knew, just in case anything ever happened to Lily. Like it almost did before and after her second surgery.

Many of you might think he may be to young, but you are never to young to learn about heaven. We told him it doesn't hurt in heaven, you will have fun there just like you do here, except we wouldn't be there right now. He asked us if Lily would have friends to play with in heaven if she died, in which I proceeded to tell him of course she would. He asked me what heaven looked like, and we told him it was never dark in heaven. It was always light, like a beautiful day, you never get cold and you never get hot.

Lucas is a special little boy with his special little mind. He is different then many 5 year olds, he may look older then he is, but his innocent runs deep. Autism throws many curve balls, but having a beautiful mind is part of all of it. He thinks differently then other children. He has such a mild forum that many do not see it or don't understand it. He is a handful within him self. Always out on a mission of self destruct. Not really ever paying close enough attention to what he is doing. I have always been fearful for him, he runs ahead of me, while I yell for him to slow down and fall back. Grabbing his arm before he reaches the parking lot in the apartment complex...in awe of the cars, but never truly grasping the true danger of the cars. Between him and Lily I am constantly on my toes, with a 3 year old in between the both of them.....may my Lord and saviour grant me some wisdom and strength to raise them right.

Anyways, back to Lucas's restless night. After I left the room and sat back down on the couch to return to working on none other the Lily's blog spot, he started screaming again, "DADDY......DADDY.....I need you Daddy.....DADDY" I ran into the room to get Chris, he jumped startled, but I told him that Lucas was afraid for him, so he went in and crawled in bed with his boy, his mini me. Poor Chris slept in bed with our little boy all night. I finally went to bed after some prayers, that seemed to do no good, because as I slept in my bed I could still hear him call out in the night. Yet when this morning came, or should I say yesterday morning came, he was unaware of it all. We asked him if he slept good and he told us he did, and we asked him if he had bad dreams, and he just looked at us and said, "I didn't dream last night."

Oh but son you did and how I wished I could have climbed into his head to see what he was seeing. To see what he saw during that one dream. I will forever wonder if he saw heaven in his dreams, knowing full well I will never know.

With that, I will end, because it is now 4:40, I can't believe this blog took me an hour...but then again, I stopped because both of the boys woke up to go potty and then asked for a drink, I have been up and down checking on Lily because Praise the Lord, she HAS NOT been coughing...

So it is time for me to crawl back into bed, and thank my father in heaven again, for grabbing my hand and calming me before I made any rash calls, such as taking Lily to the ER, so I sat here, and wrote to everyone, and tried to calm my mind while I did.

I hope my ramblings made for a good read...I am so exhausted I am not sure how I am still typing. It has been a long night, which will prove for a long day. Wish me luck. Thank you for your continuous prayers.

MY Love and Blessings
Jenna