Tiredness and Pain

I am just so tired. Oh so very tired, emotionally drained, mentally drained, and very physically drained. How much begging does one have to do to see their own children. Pleading, trying to hold the tears from falling, and their voice from trembling while doing so, just so he doesn't hear the pain that he is causing. I can't let him have that satisfaction, I swore he would never earn another tear from me, yet that has been nothing but a failed attempt at the truth of the reality. I cry, I scream, I look towards the heavens and ask for strength and I receive none. I know I am not alone, I know He is here with me, but I just feel so utterly alone. The pain is overwhelming, it is suffocating. Sleep brings no peace, my dreams haunt me of my children's laughter or worse, of their pleading cries of wanting nothing more then me. I wake and I have all of their lovies snuggled securely next to me so my first morning breath is the smell of them. And as relaxing as it is to smell them, the pain surges through me as I realizes I don't hear their sweet little voices telling me they want breakfast. I never thought I would miss their constant fighting, but I would give body, mind, and soul to have it all back.

I feel like I am a failed mother and it makes me feel like my mother...and that is one person I have always strived to be nothing like. I try to tell myself, I am one day closer to having them back, but how many days am I away from having them all in my arms again? Everyone tries to reassure me with, "You will get them back, just hang in there." Well I have been "hanging in there" and it is getting harder each day, its like walking through a tunnel knowing you are only going to go further into the darkness, knowing that there is an end to it, there is a light at the end of it, but is it 50ft or 10,000ft away? I am walking a path that is filled with nothing but mountains and trials, I keep stumbling, I have blood on my hands and knees from where I have fallen, but I don't wipe it off, I just stand up and continue, I let the blood serve as a reminder of the pain I have suffered along this journey. A reminder of yes, this is one hell of a battle but one that I will make it through, I may not make it out unharmed, but I will make it out strengthened and exhausted. All worth it in the end to have my babies back. I would travel the world a million times, walk through the desert alone, or swim the ocean if I had to just to get them back. A mothers love is one of a kind, it is unfailing and never dying. I have said it before, it is not better then a fathers love, just different.