Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Dreams are not premonitions

Have you ever been so scared, you stop crying from fear, and your next reaction is anger? I keep bouncing between the 2 at this moment. Between utter fear and and raging anger. I had a dream the other night, that it was Lily's surgery day, and she is begging me not to let them put her under. Tears are pouring down her face. She looked at me and said, "Mommy, if they put me to sleep, I will never wake up." I stroked her head and kissed her, while she fell asleep. Shortly into her surgery, I was paged, and was then told, she passed away. She was right. she never woke up. I woke up crying, I know it was just a dream, I know it wasn't real, but it felt so real. 

That is how it feels, daily, I live with the constant fear in the back of my mind, that Lily's heart could stop at anytime. Yet I try to block it out, live each day as a blessing, and thank the Lord for another day with my girl, and of course all my children. I have good days and I have bad days. I try so hard to compartmentalize, so I don't constantly feel on edge, but with this being our 6th surgery, I am so scared. So very scared. So I spend a lot of time on my knees, asking to borrow strength and help with peace of mind. We have 5 weeks and 3 days until we leave to San Diego, and with each passing week, as it creeps closer to us leaving, my brave face is starting to falter. I keep staring at her beautiful little face and memorizing every detail of her, because as much as I know that dream was not real, it still sits in the back of my mind, and has rattled me to the core.


1 comment:

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