Mothers Day Evaluation!

~Princess Lilyana~

I've always prided myself as one with self control, that knows how to compose myself in the preseances of other. I know when to smile, when to frown, when to be angry....I have come to control my emotions over the years...but over the last couple of months I have cracked under preasure.

As I sit and look at my daughter and see the scar on her chest and hear her moniter beeping I cant help but let the tears slide down my cheeks. She has faught so hard to stay here with me and I can never be any more thankful then I am, it breaks my heart that she has had to fight so hard in a world that is hard enough to live in. She is only 10 weeks old and has been through so much more then most people, but she smiles and coo's through all of this....such is the wonders of being a baby.

As I walked away from her crib today she cried....I turned around and scooped her up in my arms...I showerd her with kisses and my tears mingled with hers as we both cried...it broke my heart to put her back down in the crib...I placed her binkie back in mouth and rubbed her head as she started to fall her asleep. I laid my head on the railing and sang to her....she looked at me once more before she closed her eyes and headed off to dreamland. I kissed her once more and backed away quitely and chocked back my sobs, I whispered I love you and walked out of her room with a heavy heart....I got, "Happy Mothers Day" from all the nurses on the floor....

I am blessed...I know I truly am...I have my 2 boys and my little Lily girl, but I can't help but be sad on this day. How I would have loved to have my 3 kids together with me....this is my 5th year as a mother....never in a million years would I have thought I would have spent Mothers day in the hospital with my child, but I didnt get to spend the whole day with her, I spent a fraction of the morning with her seeing she didn't allow me to go to bed until 4 this morning, so I woke up at 10:45 and then had to leave by 11:30....I got no more then 45 mins with her this morning....this Mothers day morning....with her. Stuggling between knowing whats right....that I need to spend time with all my children not just one, was one of the hardest things in my life to do. So I left this morning and came home to go swimming with my boys and husband. We all had so much fun....and I know if Lily would have been home with us we wouldn't have been able to go out because she is not allowed in a swimming pool any time soon. It saddens me to think she will miss out on so much because of having to be so careful, but then I remind myself that she is alive so she will at least live to be able to experince life its self....what mother could ask for more?

As I sit here and type this, I look over at my Austin boy...who looks just like his daddy and mommy, such a mix between the both of us he truly is, and then I look over and see my Lucas who is a spitting image of his father, I look at them and they are one and the same, he is such a beautiful little boy....and then as I sit here and look at pictures of Lily she looks more like me but yet I can see so much of her daddy in her....my children are my world, they are what makes it go around....I am thankful for the man I married...which I am sorry to say had to work today...so here I am...2 boys, and a heavy heart but yet so thankful....it is hard to explain to many but let me try....

I live with fear everyday...I try to look on the bright side of things....I look to each new day with my daughter as a blessing, because there might not be tomorrow. How do you live with that? How does one with the unknown without going crazy. I know anything could happen to any of my children any time, but Lily's case is a little different.....I know it is in Gods hands but I once again wish he would let me in on the plan, the knowing whats ahead....you can never prepare yourself for death but if you knew when it was coming you would be able to greet it knowingly and be thankful for all the time you have had....dear lord...I can not even process all my thoughts....I feel as if my mind is walking in circles laughing at me because I can not get the thougths in order....I was to close my eyes but I cant...I want to lay down and not wake again, but then my daughter is there smiling at me...and I stay awake and keep going for her and my boys....i just dont know how....I am so tired...so exhausted....I feel way older then I am....and I still have many years ahead of me....