4 days and counting now, and with each day that passes I become more and more nervous. My dreams are terrorizing me and sleep is not my friend even though my body craves it something awful. you would think me being so exhausted, my mind would just shut off and not dream at all. Well that would be a negative and the dreams get worse every night. Dreams of death, funerals, life without Lily, etc...and no matter how much I tell myself to knock it off and besechingly ask the Lord to help these dreams to stop, that I can't bare the thought of any of that happening, they keep coming with a vengance.
I have a few friends that ask me if I think it means anything, I do believe dreams have some significant value to our everyday lives, but I pray this one has no meaning behind it and it is just my nerves about all of this. To me, it is sickning to know that no matter what, Lily will have to have her chest opened back up for another surgery, and then after that surgery, we wonder how long it will be until the next one. The thought of my baby girl, on a hospital bed again, with IV's and heavily sedated scares me and saddens me. But in all actuality, I would rather have my baby girl hooked up to all of that knowing that is what is keeping her alive, then not doing anything, and losing her all together. We don't have any other options. Transplant hasn't even been discussed because even though her heart isn't well, it isn't sick enough either.
There are still days I wake up and wonder if all of these last 7 months and 5 days have all just been a dream. and then I roll over and see Lilys crib and I know that this is our life, and this is the chaoticness that is consists of. I just hope things calm down when she gets older...but knowing Lily, that is probably to much to ask.
Below are some pictures that were taken of all of us, but mostly of Lily. They were taken by a very kindhearted and loving woman, by the name of Rachael Earl, we came to know of her by our friends, Avery and Bela, Bela has a special heart to, I think I have mentioned her in a few of my previous blogs. Anyways, Rachael was kind enough to come to our home and take pictures of all of us for free, because of Lily and her special heart.
Words can never express what these pictures mean to me. Like I have told a few pictures, I was afraid we would never get a nice picture of all 5 of us togehter, but the Lord granted me this gift. and I am beyond thankful, I am touched and once again feel even more blessed to have this miracle in my life.
I hope you all enjoy these, if you would like to view them all here is the site you can go to.
this first link is a slide show
this is all of them, you can click on them one by one to look at them
The first picture of all 5 of us. and yes...Austi boy was being stubborn!...not sure who he gets that from!(Sigh...ok he gets it from me)
I do not have favorites in my children, but I have to say, Austin and I seem to have a special bond
Lucas and his favorite pass time
These are my 2 handsome men....I am one blessed mama...I will have my hands full when they all get older
Austin Nicholas 1-18-06 ~~~~~~ Lucas Christopher 11-05-03
Austin boys favorite thing to do
Chris and his Mini-Me
Austin and mommy share a passion
5 comments:
I absolutely LOVE the pictures! I didn't realize we were having our Caths on the same day! You will be in my thoughts and prayers...
Jenna, I was glad to be able to do this for you guys. I am so touched by the stories of these sweet little babies (having one the same age). I cannot imagine what you are going through, and I am so glad that you love your photographs. I wish you peace and strength through Lily's surgery.
Oh Jenna I'm so glad you had these taken!! YEAH! Isn't it so wonderful to have them...they are like treasures to me. I'm so glad you got in touch with her..she is an amazing person. I love them all.
And I'm so sorry that you're feeling so nervous and scared..I know the feeling well. But just remember that all of this is better than the contrary.. A heart mommy could not ask for a stronger, healthier, chubbier baby girl than Lily to have to go through this on Wednesday. She is doing so well, and she is such a fighter..she has already proven that to you. She will get through this and much, much more. As hard as it is, know that this is the only option and try to remain positive and optomistic..she will feel that. You and Lily will be in our prayers, we hope for very good news.
Hugs and Love,
Avery and Bela
Jenna,
We have followed your blog for a while through friends of friends. Our daughter Evie is about Lily's age and is a heart baby too. What miracles they each are! I can certainly relate to the dreams and anxiety. These little ones have a way of drawing us closer in dependance on the Lord for sure! Lily is absolutely beautiful and the photographs are priceless! What a loved little girl! Blessings! Keep blogging!!
Mandy
Your family is BEAUTIFUL!!! What great pictures!!!
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