It is the hardest thing to sit and watch our children sick and in pain and nothing we can do about it. It breaks my heart to think of how many sick children are out there and how many might not make it through the night as I lay my head down to sleep. To know that when I wake up that there will be grieving loved ones everywhere and that the process starts all over again. To some they think of it as the circle of life, but when they are children, I don't believe that it is the circle of life, children should be able to grow old, they should be able to play and sing and dance and never should have to know what an IV is or cancer or congenital heart defects are. But that is in my perfect world, in my Utopian society, that is not real life.
People ask me How do I find strength? I have to laugh because I truly don't see myself as a strong person. But I know I can face things when I have to. I just have to ask for the Lord in heaven for strength and courage and put a smile on my face and brace myself for what is to come. If you were to ask me if I am ready for Lily's open heart surgery tomorrow....I would look at you and tell you, I am as mentally prepared for what they need to do, I know that they have to do this surgery, I know what this surgery entails, I know the statistics, I know what the success rate is...BUT...I am not ready to see my daughter hooked up to lines and tubes and monitors. I am not ready to see her sedated again, I am not ready to see her teetering on the brink of death, on the brink of being in the arms of our saviour. But I do know, that when tomorrows dawn breaks, I will be ready, by the grace of the Lord, I will be ready, he will hold me steadfast, he will lend me his courage and strength when it comes time to kiss her goodbye and hand her back over to the surgeons, I will be ready tomorrow, but right now, I am not ready, I am not strong, I am not brave, right now I am a mom, who fears for their child's life, that doesn't want tomorrows dawn to break. Right now, I am small, and all I want to do is run away seaming saying, NOT MY DAUGHTER. But I know it wont change the inevitable, you cant run, this wont go away. So, take today's troubles, and except them for what they are, because tomorrow may never come, AND if it does, it can always be worse
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