Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Blessings of a mother

My babies. My existence, the reason I am a better person.
My Elaina, 7 months old, starting to walk. My sweet angelic girl, I run my hand down her chest and feel the difference in my girls. Smooth skin, not marred by scars, no wires holding together her chest, just smoothness. I have been able to do everything with her, that I was not able to do with her older sister. It brings me such joy and such sadness, I've never felt so many emotions before when it comes to my children. I have been blessed with 2 beautiful girls, what more can a mother want?

Oh Lucas....my little Loogie....yes, we went there, he got the nickname after he got sick and was coughing up "Goop" as he calls it. I told him what it was and that it resembles his name....he didn't like that very much, nor did he find it as funny as I did. Yes, I am horrible, I got a chuckle at my sons expense, but I the mom, I am allowed, if I wasn't, no one would be able too. My not so Little Lucas, is still a BIG ball of energy, I think instead losing it, as we all hoped when he was a toddler, he has just gotten more. I think he back stores it in all honesty. The kid can run and run for hours, rivals the energizer bunny, now that I think of it. I can't believe that he is 8, I remember the day Chris and I drove home from the hospital with him, he was screaming in the back, and Chris looked at me and said, "Only 17 years, 363days left before we can kick him out." All I thought is "I only have 17 years and 363days to make him a momma's boy and not want to leave home." Yes I know, bad, but that's how much I NEVER want my kids to leave.
Lilyana Annsaleigh, a unique name, for a uniquely special girl. I love knowing she has finally evened out and is doing so well. To know we are done with surgeries for the remote future, brings such joy to my heart. I know the future may change it all, but we are in the here and now. Lily, who once could roll with the punches sorta speak, now gets the smallest owwie and screams and cries like her limb is hanging by a thread, and that whatever got hurt, needs to be amputated. Seriously, not joking, I hate to say it, but she is such a baby. Oh and the drama, and the attitude. Lord help me when she hits her teen years. She rivals me in the drama department. My family has affectionately nick named me Sarah Bernhardt, I shudder to think who they will name Lily after, once they find her flares are worse then mine. All in all though, she may be dramatic, and possibly could win an Oscar for her performances, I try to remind myself, I could be living without them completely. So I take them in stride and only battle the ones I deem absolutely necessary. My Princess Tom-boy, you will still find hotwheels in her purse, next to her lipgloss and necklaces, I want nothing more, then to curl up on the couch with her, and snuggle her smells and listen to her heart tick, she on the other hand, would rather run around and play hide and seek....if only she would realize, I can just close my eyes and follow the tick...thankfully the boys haven't figured that one out yet, that's just going to suck for her when they catch on.
Austin, sweet sweet Austi boy. He is the joker of my little bunch, always quick on the draw with quirky sayings and comebacks. He defiantly brings a whole new meaning to "Kids say the Darnedest" But no matter how much he jokes, he is the most loving, sweet hearted little boy you will ever meet. I can say "No" to all my children and stand my ground, expect for him. His eyes, they will get you ever time. Such expressive eyes, just like mine. We may smile on the outside, but our eyes say what we won't. Of all my children, his temperament reminds me the most of me. I can't wait to see what kind of young man he grows up to be, but I am in no hurry, I am cherishing the time I have with him as a little guy. I know there will come a day where he will ask me to drop him off around the block and not kiss him in public. So for the time being, I will enjoy every ounce of attention I get from this little man. He is my momma's boy through and through, he will gladly tell you so himself.
There is nothing better in this world then my children. They are my first waking thought, on my mind throughout the day, and the last one before I drift off slumber land. I am a mother of 4 of the best kids, 4 of the smartest kids. Lucas is in AP classes, Austin is on track to be placed in them next year, and Lily is WAY ahead of the curve. She was ready for Kinder this year, but she still has another year to wait. This holiday season has been very hard, I loved to decorate with the kids, loved seeing their face as we plugged the lights in after hanging them. I miss the sounds of jumbled and butchered Christmas carols, being sung around the house. Giggling with them as they sing "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells..." You would think the pain lessens with time, that it wouldn't hurt so bad because they have been away from me for over a year now, but it hasn't. I still hear their cries when they aren't here. I know when they've had bad days before they tell me about them. I am their mother, I will always have these feelings. They aren't with me because their fathers "situation" is supposedly better then mine. They aren't with me because of my stupidity and kindness. I was to nice in court, I didn't tell the judge about all of their dads game playing, hours of neglect to them because of it. Not trusting him to watch after the kids while I went to the grocery store because he was to absorbed in his games. Now, he sticks the boys in front of the TV with games, while he plays his, instead of playing with them. Lily runs and does her own thing with Grandma, instead of with mommy....I got the crap end of the stick....because I didn't fight dirty....Not because I was not a good mom. I may have been a crappy wife, but I was and am an awesome mom. I have no guilt when it comes to mother, I know I have done nothing wrong in raising my babies, other then us not being a complete family anymore. Yet I know its for the best, because there are days I want nothing more then invest in a good frying pan, you know, like the ones in Tangled....."Frying pans, who knew, right?"...yup...that's me...

I look forward to my weekends with the kids, even when they wake up at 6:30 in the morning, at least I have them here to wake me up and be with me. I love them more then words will ever be able to explain for me. They are my world, my reason for being, they are my life. I love you Lucas Christopher, Austin Nicholas, Lilyana Annsaleigh, and Elaina Elizabeth-Jeanine. You will always be my babies, no matter how big you get.

Love Hugs and Blessings
Life Unscripted

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Love is a many Splendid thing

Many don't see love for what it really is. Many say it's what they are looking for when it comes to a relationship. That they just want to be loved. Many take love for granted, toss the word around because they feel its supposed to be used, like with family or friends.

The Webster's Dictionary definition of the word

1a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>
b : an assurance of affection love>
2
: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>

I on the other hand, leave the word open for interpretation, one that is undefined. I have the general definition of love covered and then some. I love to my full capacity. If I'm going to do something, I will give it my all, even if I fail, I would rather fail trying, then giving up before I even begin.
I love with passion, with over enthusiasm, with reckless abandon. I love things big and small, God's creation, I love it all. Look...I am a poet, and I didn't even know it. Ok that's a lie, but still, joking aside. Love isn't a word, it is a feeling. With each heart beat, mine throbs while my children are away from my side, and dances when they are asleep under my roof. With each heart beat, mine races when my lips are met by that of my love. Love leaves me warm inside, it makes me feel as if I could walk across water, or dance on clouds. Love leaves my thoughts jumbled as it surrounds me in a blanket of warmth. The smile that never leaves my face when I hear "Mom I love you" or "Jenna I love you." I love and am loved in return. Love leaves you with a high, a heart swelling, gut twisting high. Yet it can break you.
When something you love tells you or treats you with indifference, or harshly, it's like the wind tearing the petals off a flower. It leaves you feeling naked and exposed. I cried this past weekend because of harsh words from my son. I know he said them out of anger of being hurt himself, but it doesn't make it any easier to hear them. I know they weren't truth, yet the old saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your word can't hurt me." echoed through my head. Who came up with that saying? They must not have had a loved one say something hurtful to them. Bruises heal quickly, verbal words stay with you and echo when the world is the quietest.
Now has this changed my love for my son? Of course not, never, nothing ever will stop me from loving him. Until my last breath and I depart this earth, I will love with every fiber of my being. I will let it continue to pulse through me. I will embrace the fast heart beat, the dancing butterflies, the walking on water, playing in the clouds, heart swelling with pride, feeling that comes with it. Because even with the heart wrenching moments where it drops you to your knees, and hurts, I would rather have known the feeling of it, then to have lived my life without it.
I love you Lucas Christopher, I always will, even when you are mad at me. One day you will understand it all. Until then, try not to be to hard on this momma of yours.
Love Hugs and Blessings~ Life Unscripted