Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Love is a many Splendid thing

Many don't see love for what it really is. Many say it's what they are looking for when it comes to a relationship. That they just want to be loved. Many take love for granted, toss the word around because they feel its supposed to be used, like with family or friends.

The Webster's Dictionary definition of the word

1a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>
b : an assurance of affection love>
: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>

I on the other hand, leave the word open for interpretation, one that is undefined. I have the general definition of love covered and then some. I love to my full capacity. If I'm going to do something, I will give it my all, even if I fail, I would rather fail trying, then giving up before I even begin.
I love with passion, with over enthusiasm, with reckless abandon. I love things big and small, God's creation, I love it all. Look...I am a poet, and I didn't even know it. Ok that's a lie, but still, joking aside. Love isn't a word, it is a feeling. With each heart beat, mine throbs while my children are away from my side, and dances when they are asleep under my roof. With each heart beat, mine races when my lips are met by that of my love. Love leaves me warm inside, it makes me feel as if I could walk across water, or dance on clouds. Love leaves my thoughts jumbled as it surrounds me in a blanket of warmth. The smile that never leaves my face when I hear "Mom I love you" or "Jenna I love you." I love and am loved in return. Love leaves you with a high, a heart swelling, gut twisting high. Yet it can break you.
When something you love tells you or treats you with indifference, or harshly, it's like the wind tearing the petals off a flower. It leaves you feeling naked and exposed. I cried this past weekend because of harsh words from my son. I know he said them out of anger of being hurt himself, but it doesn't make it any easier to hear them. I know they weren't truth, yet the old saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your word can't hurt me." echoed through my head. Who came up with that saying? They must not have had a loved one say something hurtful to them. Bruises heal quickly, verbal words stay with you and echo when the world is the quietest.
Now has this changed my love for my son? Of course not, never, nothing ever will stop me from loving him. Until my last breath and I depart this earth, I will love with every fiber of my being. I will let it continue to pulse through me. I will embrace the fast heart beat, the dancing butterflies, the walking on water, playing in the clouds, heart swelling with pride, feeling that comes with it. Because even with the heart wrenching moments where it drops you to your knees, and hurts, I would rather have known the feeling of it, then to have lived my life without it.
I love you Lucas Christopher, I always will, even when you are mad at me. One day you will understand it all. Until then, try not to be to hard on this momma of yours.
Love Hugs and Blessings~ Life Unscripted

Thursday, November 17, 2011

What is Life Unscripted? (The face of a new blog)

Welcome to the new revamp of Lily's blog. Seeing Lily is on such an even road, I felt the need to redo everything on here. I stopped blogging for some time because I felt there was nothing to blog about when it came to Lily's medical anymore. That's what this blog was used for, a place for me to let it all out when life became so chaotic with Lily's heart. Now here we are, coming up to 2 years since her last open heart surgery, and if you never met her, you would never know she had ever had her heart repaired or that we almost lost her at one point. So seeing we are at such a huge milestone marker, I figured in with the new, and out with the old.

Welcome to
Life Unscripted

To those who have no idea what is going on these days, as it has been so very long since updating on here. I am a newly divorced mom, our divorce was finalized 2 days after our 8 year anniversary. I'm not sad that it is over, but I am very sad with how it all ended. I miss my babies greatly. Every night that I go to sleep without them, is another day lost, a day I can't regain of their babiness. A day of smiles, laughter, tears, tantrum....I can't get recall them. So for the 3 days a week I get them, 3 weekends out of the month, I embrace with open arms. I cover them with kisses, until they are sloppy wet. I suffocate them with hugs, until they feel like the stuffing is going to pop out. And I snuggle them with loving, surround them with tenderness, and nothing more then good ole' mom. Late at night, when everyone is asleep, I sit on the floor of their room and close my eyes and listen to their soft snores and even breathing and I weep. I cry for everything I took away from them, yet I remind myself of all they have gained. A mother and father who no longer yell and scream in front of them. They act out less now, then when we were together. There is no more tension, there is just peace. Lucas has began to understand it, Lily still doesn't understand why mommy and daddy aren't living together anymore, she is always begging me to come sleep over at her house.

Then there is my sweet Austi boy, so very much like me, taking everything in, the quietest of the bunch, he really gets it. He curled up into my lap on one of my first weekends of getting visitation with them, after the court proceedings. We sat and were watching tv, he then looked up at me and said, "Momma, I miss you." "I miss you too Austi" "Daddy doesn't snuggle with me like you do." "I'm sorry, have you asked?" "No, Daddy is always playing his game." "You should tell him you want to snuggle." "He's always says later, but it's never later." "Have you asked when he's not playing games?" "He's always playing games, like when we lived up at Broadstone. Is that why you don't love daddy anymore momma? Because he was always playing games?".......

Oh sweet Austi boy.....If I only knew how to answer that question. Were games the downfall to our marriage, yes very much so, and no. But how do I answer that in a way a 5 year old understands it. He's grown up very quickly, or maybe he's always been the grown up one of the bunch. All I know is snuggles with him after that conversation have always meant a little bit more. Lucas is so big and independent, he would rather do his own thing, then snuggle. Lily has so much energy, and has life by the "horns" sort of speak, that you can rarely get her to calm down long enough to cuddle with you. But Austin, most days, he wants to curl into your lap and be loved on while having conversation's.

I wish Chris would realize, they are only children once, you can't have a do over. He is going to blink and they will be married with a family of their own. But that's not my problem anymore, yet it very much is. It affects my babies daily and it breaks my heart. He hasn't changed a bit, and yet, he is a whole different person then the young boy I married 8 and a half years ago.

Now lets rewind back to me sitting and listening to them snore and breathe while sleeping. I don't always cry, most of the time I sit and pray. I reflect on what I have, the good, my shinning lights through my storm clouds. My children are my ray of happiness, they always have been. When they are all together, I just want time to stand still. If life ever had a slow motion or pause button, my weekends with the kids, would be the times I would use it. Now please don't get me wrong, my children aren't angels. They still drive me up the wall, they still get time outs and toys taken away. We have stern talking's, early bed times, and groundings. I don't yell as often now at the kids to get their attention, but they are testing me more right now, to see how much I am willing to bend, seeing they aren't with me all the time. As much as I want to be that fun mom, I know I don't have to be in order for my kids to want to come over. Every night I talk to them on the phone we count down the days until we see each other again. We talk about what we are going to do, what movies we will watch, what foods we will have to eat. Then we say our night time prayers.

I was all my kids knew, I was their waking face, their teacher, their nurse for owwies, their cook for meals, their jungle gym for play, and their voice of reason. I was their last face they saw every night before falling asleep and I was their blanket replacer in the middle of the night when they lost them. Now I am nothing more then a night time call to review their day, then say prayers. I am the weekend mom.......but I guess...that's just life right now....thank goodness it's unscripted, so I have a chance to change the coming. That's what I have to look forward to, is one day things will change. Just in the mean time, I will take it one day at a time like always.

Now, to wrap this all up, here are some pictures.

My first good picture of all 4 of them
The Husker Crew
Lily, Austin, Lucas, Elaina, Rick, Skyler

Love Hugs and Blessings. ~Life Unscripted