Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Blessings of a mother

My babies. My existence, the reason I am a better person.
My Elaina, 7 months old, starting to walk. My sweet angelic girl, I run my hand down her chest and feel the difference in my girls. Smooth skin, not marred by scars, no wires holding together her chest, just smoothness. I have been able to do everything with her, that I was not able to do with her older sister. It brings me such joy and such sadness, I've never felt so many emotions before when it comes to my children. I have been blessed with 2 beautiful girls, what more can a mother want?

Oh little Loogie....yes, we went there, he got the nickname after he got sick and was coughing up "Goop" as he calls it. I told him what it was and that it resembles his name....he didn't like that very much, nor did he find it as funny as I did. Yes, I am horrible, I got a chuckle at my sons expense, but I the mom, I am allowed, if I wasn't, no one would be able too. My not so Little Lucas, is still a BIG ball of energy, I think instead losing it, as we all hoped when he was a toddler, he has just gotten more. I think he back stores it in all honesty. The kid can run and run for hours, rivals the energizer bunny, now that I think of it. I can't believe that he is 8, I remember the day Chris and I drove home from the hospital with him, he was screaming in the back, and Chris looked at me and said, "Only 17 years, 363days left before we can kick him out." All I thought is "I only have 17 years and 363days to make him a momma's boy and not want to leave home." Yes I know, bad, but that's how much I NEVER want my kids to leave.
Lilyana Annsaleigh, a unique name, for a uniquely special girl. I love knowing she has finally evened out and is doing so well. To know we are done with surgeries for the remote future, brings such joy to my heart. I know the future may change it all, but we are in the here and now. Lily, who once could roll with the punches sorta speak, now gets the smallest owwie and screams and cries like her limb is hanging by a thread, and that whatever got hurt, needs to be amputated. Seriously, not joking, I hate to say it, but she is such a baby. Oh and the drama, and the attitude. Lord help me when she hits her teen years. She rivals me in the drama department. My family has affectionately nick named me Sarah Bernhardt, I shudder to think who they will name Lily after, once they find her flares are worse then mine. All in all though, she may be dramatic, and possibly could win an Oscar for her performances, I try to remind myself, I could be living without them completely. So I take them in stride and only battle the ones I deem absolutely necessary. My Princess Tom-boy, you will still find hotwheels in her purse, next to her lipgloss and necklaces, I want nothing more, then to curl up on the couch with her, and snuggle her smells and listen to her heart tick, she on the other hand, would rather run around and play hide and seek....if only she would realize, I can just close my eyes and follow the tick...thankfully the boys haven't figured that one out yet, that's just going to suck for her when they catch on.
Austin, sweet sweet Austi boy. He is the joker of my little bunch, always quick on the draw with quirky sayings and comebacks. He defiantly brings a whole new meaning to "Kids say the Darnedest" But no matter how much he jokes, he is the most loving, sweet hearted little boy you will ever meet. I can say "No" to all my children and stand my ground, expect for him. His eyes, they will get you ever time. Such expressive eyes, just like mine. We may smile on the outside, but our eyes say what we won't. Of all my children, his temperament reminds me the most of me. I can't wait to see what kind of young man he grows up to be, but I am in no hurry, I am cherishing the time I have with him as a little guy. I know there will come a day where he will ask me to drop him off around the block and not kiss him in public. So for the time being, I will enjoy every ounce of attention I get from this little man. He is my momma's boy through and through, he will gladly tell you so himself.
There is nothing better in this world then my children. They are my first waking thought, on my mind throughout the day, and the last one before I drift off slumber land. I am a mother of 4 of the best kids, 4 of the smartest kids. Lucas is in AP classes, Austin is on track to be placed in them next year, and Lily is WAY ahead of the curve. She was ready for Kinder this year, but she still has another year to wait. This holiday season has been very hard, I loved to decorate with the kids, loved seeing their face as we plugged the lights in after hanging them. I miss the sounds of jumbled and butchered Christmas carols, being sung around the house. Giggling with them as they sing "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells..." You would think the pain lessens with time, that it wouldn't hurt so bad because they have been away from me for over a year now, but it hasn't. I still hear their cries when they aren't here. I know when they've had bad days before they tell me about them. I am their mother, I will always have these feelings. They aren't with me because their fathers "situation" is supposedly better then mine. They aren't with me because of my stupidity and kindness. I was to nice in court, I didn't tell the judge about all of their dads game playing, hours of neglect to them because of it. Not trusting him to watch after the kids while I went to the grocery store because he was to absorbed in his games. Now, he sticks the boys in front of the TV with games, while he plays his, instead of playing with them. Lily runs and does her own thing with Grandma, instead of with mommy....I got the crap end of the stick....because I didn't fight dirty....Not because I was not a good mom. I may have been a crappy wife, but I was and am an awesome mom. I have no guilt when it comes to mother, I know I have done nothing wrong in raising my babies, other then us not being a complete family anymore. Yet I know its for the best, because there are days I want nothing more then invest in a good frying pan, you know, like the ones in Tangled....."Frying pans, who knew, right?"...yup...that's me...

I look forward to my weekends with the kids, even when they wake up at 6:30 in the morning, at least I have them here to wake me up and be with me. I love them more then words will ever be able to explain for me. They are my world, my reason for being, they are my life. I love you Lucas Christopher, Austin Nicholas, Lilyana Annsaleigh, and Elaina Elizabeth-Jeanine. You will always be my babies, no matter how big you get.

Love Hugs and Blessings
Life Unscripted

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Love is a many Splendid thing

Many don't see love for what it really is. Many say it's what they are looking for when it comes to a relationship. That they just want to be loved. Many take love for granted, toss the word around because they feel its supposed to be used, like with family or friends.

The Webster's Dictionary definition of the word

1a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>
b : an assurance of affection love>
: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>

I on the other hand, leave the word open for interpretation, one that is undefined. I have the general definition of love covered and then some. I love to my full capacity. If I'm going to do something, I will give it my all, even if I fail, I would rather fail trying, then giving up before I even begin.
I love with passion, with over enthusiasm, with reckless abandon. I love things big and small, God's creation, I love it all. Look...I am a poet, and I didn't even know it. Ok that's a lie, but still, joking aside. Love isn't a word, it is a feeling. With each heart beat, mine throbs while my children are away from my side, and dances when they are asleep under my roof. With each heart beat, mine races when my lips are met by that of my love. Love leaves me warm inside, it makes me feel as if I could walk across water, or dance on clouds. Love leaves my thoughts jumbled as it surrounds me in a blanket of warmth. The smile that never leaves my face when I hear "Mom I love you" or "Jenna I love you." I love and am loved in return. Love leaves you with a high, a heart swelling, gut twisting high. Yet it can break you.
When something you love tells you or treats you with indifference, or harshly, it's like the wind tearing the petals off a flower. It leaves you feeling naked and exposed. I cried this past weekend because of harsh words from my son. I know he said them out of anger of being hurt himself, but it doesn't make it any easier to hear them. I know they weren't truth, yet the old saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your word can't hurt me." echoed through my head. Who came up with that saying? They must not have had a loved one say something hurtful to them. Bruises heal quickly, verbal words stay with you and echo when the world is the quietest.
Now has this changed my love for my son? Of course not, never, nothing ever will stop me from loving him. Until my last breath and I depart this earth, I will love with every fiber of my being. I will let it continue to pulse through me. I will embrace the fast heart beat, the dancing butterflies, the walking on water, playing in the clouds, heart swelling with pride, feeling that comes with it. Because even with the heart wrenching moments where it drops you to your knees, and hurts, I would rather have known the feeling of it, then to have lived my life without it.
I love you Lucas Christopher, I always will, even when you are mad at me. One day you will understand it all. Until then, try not to be to hard on this momma of yours.
Love Hugs and Blessings~ Life Unscripted

Thursday, November 17, 2011

What is Life Unscripted? (The face of a new blog)

Welcome to the new revamp of Lily's blog. Seeing Lily is on such an even road, I felt the need to redo everything on here. I stopped blogging for some time because I felt there was nothing to blog about when it came to Lily's medical anymore. That's what this blog was used for, a place for me to let it all out when life became so chaotic with Lily's heart. Now here we are, coming up to 2 years since her last open heart surgery, and if you never met her, you would never know she had ever had her heart repaired or that we almost lost her at one point. So seeing we are at such a huge milestone marker, I figured in with the new, and out with the old.

Welcome to
Life Unscripted

To those who have no idea what is going on these days, as it has been so very long since updating on here. I am a newly divorced mom, our divorce was finalized 2 days after our 8 year anniversary. I'm not sad that it is over, but I am very sad with how it all ended. I miss my babies greatly. Every night that I go to sleep without them, is another day lost, a day I can't regain of their babiness. A day of smiles, laughter, tears, tantrum....I can't get recall them. So for the 3 days a week I get them, 3 weekends out of the month, I embrace with open arms. I cover them with kisses, until they are sloppy wet. I suffocate them with hugs, until they feel like the stuffing is going to pop out. And I snuggle them with loving, surround them with tenderness, and nothing more then good ole' mom. Late at night, when everyone is asleep, I sit on the floor of their room and close my eyes and listen to their soft snores and even breathing and I weep. I cry for everything I took away from them, yet I remind myself of all they have gained. A mother and father who no longer yell and scream in front of them. They act out less now, then when we were together. There is no more tension, there is just peace. Lucas has began to understand it, Lily still doesn't understand why mommy and daddy aren't living together anymore, she is always begging me to come sleep over at her house.

Then there is my sweet Austi boy, so very much like me, taking everything in, the quietest of the bunch, he really gets it. He curled up into my lap on one of my first weekends of getting visitation with them, after the court proceedings. We sat and were watching tv, he then looked up at me and said, "Momma, I miss you." "I miss you too Austi" "Daddy doesn't snuggle with me like you do." "I'm sorry, have you asked?" "No, Daddy is always playing his game." "You should tell him you want to snuggle." "He's always says later, but it's never later." "Have you asked when he's not playing games?" "He's always playing games, like when we lived up at Broadstone. Is that why you don't love daddy anymore momma? Because he was always playing games?".......

Oh sweet Austi boy.....If I only knew how to answer that question. Were games the downfall to our marriage, yes very much so, and no. But how do I answer that in a way a 5 year old understands it. He's grown up very quickly, or maybe he's always been the grown up one of the bunch. All I know is snuggles with him after that conversation have always meant a little bit more. Lucas is so big and independent, he would rather do his own thing, then snuggle. Lily has so much energy, and has life by the "horns" sort of speak, that you can rarely get her to calm down long enough to cuddle with you. But Austin, most days, he wants to curl into your lap and be loved on while having conversation's.

I wish Chris would realize, they are only children once, you can't have a do over. He is going to blink and they will be married with a family of their own. But that's not my problem anymore, yet it very much is. It affects my babies daily and it breaks my heart. He hasn't changed a bit, and yet, he is a whole different person then the young boy I married 8 and a half years ago.

Now lets rewind back to me sitting and listening to them snore and breathe while sleeping. I don't always cry, most of the time I sit and pray. I reflect on what I have, the good, my shinning lights through my storm clouds. My children are my ray of happiness, they always have been. When they are all together, I just want time to stand still. If life ever had a slow motion or pause button, my weekends with the kids, would be the times I would use it. Now please don't get me wrong, my children aren't angels. They still drive me up the wall, they still get time outs and toys taken away. We have stern talking's, early bed times, and groundings. I don't yell as often now at the kids to get their attention, but they are testing me more right now, to see how much I am willing to bend, seeing they aren't with me all the time. As much as I want to be that fun mom, I know I don't have to be in order for my kids to want to come over. Every night I talk to them on the phone we count down the days until we see each other again. We talk about what we are going to do, what movies we will watch, what foods we will have to eat. Then we say our night time prayers.

I was all my kids knew, I was their waking face, their teacher, their nurse for owwies, their cook for meals, their jungle gym for play, and their voice of reason. I was their last face they saw every night before falling asleep and I was their blanket replacer in the middle of the night when they lost them. Now I am nothing more then a night time call to review their day, then say prayers. I am the weekend mom.......but I guess...that's just life right now....thank goodness it's unscripted, so I have a chance to change the coming. That's what I have to look forward to, is one day things will change. Just in the mean time, I will take it one day at a time like always.

Now, to wrap this all up, here are some pictures.

My first good picture of all 4 of them
The Husker Crew
Lily, Austin, Lucas, Elaina, Rick, Skyler

Love Hugs and Blessings. ~Life Unscripted

Friday, July 29, 2011

Introducing Miss Elaina Elizabeth-Jeanine

My last day of pregnancy

I will start with pictures of Elaina from while we were in the hospital. I will get into her birth story in a minute. These first 2 pictures are from the pro-photographer in the hospital.

This next one is the standard going home from the hospital picture....she was so small...kinda
These 2 are my favorites that I took with my camera. She is such a picture ham. I am taking pictures non-stop. Not a day has gone by since she was born that I haven't taken a picture of her.

Now it's time for the birth story.
The last leg of my pregnancy was horrible. I kept going into labor and had to keep going into the hospital to get shots to stop it. I was on bed rest the last month and I was just so miserable. I didn't look that big, but in all honesty I was huge, all the weight I had put on was strictly baby, seriously not joking here. Back to the story, once I finally hit the 38 week mark my contractions stopped and she decided to bunker down for the long haul. My doctor kept saying I doubt you'll carry past 38 weeks when I was at my 35 week mark. Well low and behold, we set an induction date because I was in sooooo much pain, so tired of going into labor and it stalling, Laina was using my ribs as her monkey bars, I was just done. So we set my induction date for May 17th at 7am. Well on the 15th I started with contractions, but I wasn't 39 weeks yet so they said unless they stayed consistent and started to change things, I was looking at going home. I cried....and cried....oh and cried some more. Then of course, I was sent home after 4 hours. They looked at my chart right before discharging me and were like, "Oh it says you are supposed to be coming in on the 17th to be induced but according to your due date you will only be 38.6 weeks, we are going to have to cancel because we don't do inductions before 39 weeks." I think I just looked at her in shock for about 3 mins. Then after gathering my calm I told her that if she touched my induction date I would scream, I let her know I would call my ob office in the morning to get this all taken care of. So I went home, thought about doing some jumping jack, running around the block, even some crunches...none of which I did might I add, but I thought about it. Instead I laid back on the couch, my dear old friend and had a stern talking to with little Miss. She brings stubborn to a whole new level I might add.
So on the dawning of the 17th I was so giddy, didn't sleep a wink the night before, I think I almost dragged Rick out of bed early at some point because I just wanted to go. I wrote my journal like I normally do instead to bring me the ease I needed. I didn't post it here, but I will now.

As the clock works against me I realize sleep will not be joining me until after the journey of this day takes place. So I will sit and do what I have done with my three previous pregnancies, I will write about the whole journey up until now. With a sense of nostalgia and a sense of closure I write this. I remember the day I took my first pregnancy test, I looked down at it, there was a faint second pink line, I felt like it was my first pregnancy all over. Thinking it had to be a mistake, my eyes were playing tricks on me. 4 tests later and a humorous walk around Walgreens with a friend asking if what we saw on the pregnancy test was indeed a positive result, it was then I finally accepted the fate of the test. I took a picture of it, Rick was at work, I should have told him in person but I was a coward and chose to send him a text message instead. I of course regret it to this day because I never saw his face in response. I know neither of us were excited, it was more of a shock. I digested the news and so did he, then we just kept marching forward. A few weeks later my pregnancy was confirmed with my ob/gyn, with the standard, "Congratulation's you're pregnant."

The beginning of very rocky pregnancy, emotionally, mentally, and physically. The sickness didn't kick in right away, but once it hit, I was down for the count. To say I don't miss that is an understatement. In and out of the hospital, migraines constantly, not being able to keep anything down, it was awful. Trying to start a new job while trying to get the sickness under control was not the easiest thing in the world, but life doesn't stand still for pregnancies, and as long as I was in no immediate danger of hurting the baby, my body would just have to handle the abuse. I remember when I finally hit the 20 week mark, we all hoped things would calm down, in sorts they did, I was on a handful of medications to try to stabilize my health. All the while my little one tucked safely in my belly was strong as ever. I remember saying I didn't care if we had a boy or a girl because all I wanted was healthy, but deep down I was begging for a girl, to do all the things I never got to do with Lily in the beginning. Discussing names was never easier, and in all honesty Elaina wasn't supposed to be Elaina to begin with. Only few know this but we had originally picked out Dalylah Jeanine for a girl, as much as I liked the name, something just didn't fit right with me, I could hear myself calling her Lylah but never Dalylah, yet Elaina rang loud and clear to me. I have always been about elegant girl names, that have power to them, well her name may be a mouthful, but to me its perfect.

I have dreamt about her, her tiny little nose like her daddies, perfect little lips, and I keep dreaming of green eyes. Now that may be wishful thinking, but one can hold out hope. After the few weeks of calm, the second storm hit, and little Miss Elaina decided to test out what it was like to experience contractions. Fighting to stop them constantly, teetering on the brink of bed rest, narrowly escaping it many times, I just came to the acceptance that she just wasn't going to make this easy on me at all. I guess I got use to easy pregnancies, Lucas and Austin were a breeze, people says boys usually are. Lily I was sick in the beginning, and granted I had a million appointments because of her heart, the pregnancy was smooth. I guess I needed a "Mr.Toad's Wild Ride" experience with my last pregnancy. Trying to remember to find the joy has often been hard. When I was at my worst days I'd tell myself that there are many woman out there who would give anything to be experiencing any of this, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Yet there were still days where I couldn't help but turn my head to the heavens and ask why. I was so sick of being sick, and sick of being pregnant, and this was at 27weeks, heck even earlier. My body hated me, yet Laina loved me. Her little kicks were always a gentle reminder that this was all for something beautiful. I remember Rick's face the first time he felt her move, the look of wonder, and then when they became more he would try to play with her.

Now here we are, I am huge, ok not huge, but big enough, my body hurts, her little kicks are not so little anymore, and all that preterm labor she had been giving me, she decided that she now prefers to stay in my belly. Well her bubble is about to be popped quite literally, her eviction notice was posted and this mommy couldn't be happier. Yet as I sit here and cradle my belly one last night, she wiggles and is now kicking the laptop as I sit and type this, protesting the invasion of her space, I feel a profound sense of sadness. She may be killing my ribs, making it hard to breathe, but this is my last night ever being pregnant, ever feeling a baby move within. The last time I will feel her hiccups on top of my bladder causing me to run to the bathroom quicker then the roadrunner being chased by the coyote. It is the last night Rick will hold my belly so carefully as I lay next to him, making sure he doesn't squish her and cause her to protest. I know my body couldn't handle another pregnancy even if I wanted another little one, but it doesn't lessen the emotions. Four kids by 25, never thought I would be saying that.

So now the only thing left to be done, is make myself a cup of tea like I did with the boys, and sit with it and watch the rising of the sun before taking my shower and kicking off this fabulous day. Today is my youngest daughters birthday, today I am going to be a mommy again. What a beautiful happy day it truly is.

Happy Birthday Elaina Elizabeth Jeanine Stetson, you may not be out of me yet, but you will be shortly. You are being awaited for eagerly, you are loved already more then you will ever know.

I updated my facebook throughout the day letting everyone know my progress, I went from 8am to Noonish without an epidural, I wanted to go through the whole thing without one, but it just wasn't happening. It was a great epi I might add, I was a HAPPY woman once it kicked it.

Here I was waiting to push and trying to breathe through the pressure of contractions...seriously I didn't think my doctor was running fast enough from his office to the hospital. This is my favorite picture from labor. It was such a tender personal moment, and I close my eyes and still it is like it was yesterday.

Born at 3:17pm on 5/17
She weighed 8lbs....yes...8lbs...My doctor said when she came out, "Wasn't expecting that. Where did you come from" To say she shocked us all with her size is an understatement
Daddy's first time holding her, she is his princess, it is beautiful to watch him with her.
My first time holding her after she was born, to be able to hold her knowing she was heart healthy and not going to be taken from my arms, is a feeling I don't think I will ever be able to accurately describe.
I have MANY more pictures, she is 11 weeks old now, I have tons of the kids with her and just of her being a goober. I also need to update about Lily's latest appointments. All is well, I promise, just take it as no news is good news for the time being.

Loves Hugs and Blessings

Friday, March 18, 2011

Elaina Elizabeth Jeanine

The beauty of pregnancy has always fascinated me. Knowing how a baby is created, and no I am not talking the logistics of it, I am talking the sperm, the egg, creating a the bundle of cuteness at the end of 10 months. It is beautiful knowing that this tiny creation is being held securely in my belly.
The above picture is me at 10 weeks
The picture below is me at 20 weeks
This is me recently at 30 weeks
And this little miracle below is Miss Elaina Elizabeth Jeanine
She is quite the active little girl and has kept me on my toes this entire pregnancy. This first half of the pregnancy I was either so nauseous, throwing up, or taken out by a headache, there was no room for enjoyment. I ended up in the hospital for 3 days getting IV fluids and nutrition. Put on several different anti-nausea medicines and constant pills to try to control my headaches.
Then the 20 week mark came, things started to calm down, still had the headaches but not as bad, I could eat, just not a lot. I could only stomach about 3-4 bites of anything before having to call it quits....I lost on and so forth....
Then things started to look up as I was finally able to eat more and headaches didn't have me in bed all the time. I started working, I started gaining weight back slowly, then I started getting sick with blasted immune system has been horrible this pregnancy. Bronchitis, Walking Pneumonia, Double Ear infections, sinus infections, Influenza A, Kidney infections, UTI's. Then lets add the pulled muscles from all the coughing and then the contractions that started up... Yup...on my toes indeed. Ive been in L&D 3 times now having to have shots to stop my contractions. The good part is they didn't cause any dilation and my cervix has only just recently started thinning.
So...with all this being said, this is my very last bundle of joy that I will ever carry within. It is scheduled for the day after delivery that my tubes will be tied. My body can not physically handle carrying another child and in all honesty I am not saddened by this at all. 4 children is enough. I have always wanted a big family and that is what I have.
I will be induced with Laina around the 37 week mark if she doesn't decide to come out earlier then that.
She is heart healthy along with everything else looking beautiful. She is weighing 3lbs...probably a little more seeing that was 2 weeks ago that we were told that weight. I can't wait until she is here in my arms, to smell that sweet newborn baby smell, to count her fingers and kiss those little cheeks, to be able to cuddle during nursing. To be able to enjoy all the wonders of newborn again, this time without tubes, wires, and medical equipment.
The kids can't wait to meet their little sister, Lily is looking forward to being a big sissy. She has already started taking her dolls aside and telling me which ones baby Laina can have. Hopefully she stays that generous once her sister gets here....knowing her she will remain just as sweet and caring and kind-hearted because that is just who she is.
I am a blessed woman to have a life so full of love and joy, I could not ask for more.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

"Maaee...I 3!!!"

Sweet Sweet Lily
Little Little Lilybug
Precious Lily
Princess Lily
Mama's Lily

Who would have thought a song I began singing to her at 5 days old would have stuck. A song that calms her when she gets an owwie, when she is frightened, when she is sick. One her brothers sing to her to make her laugh when she is in a bad mood. It is hard to ever get upset at this sweet little girl.
Sweet Lily-Lou just celebrated her 3rd birthday. One I didn't dare imagine when she was born. I never imagine her birthdays ahead of time but when they come, it is a day of joy, a day of blessings and thanks, and as our heart buddy Bela's mommy put it, "Birthday's are always happy and special, but yours are truly magical!"
I sit and listen to the sweet miracle tick of your heart as your mechanical valve keeps it working for you, and it is never hard to be remind how truly blessed we are to have you as our daughter. To have walked this journey with you, and to continue walking it with you.
To see your eyes light in wonder and excitement, to see the look of awe come across your face, makes me have to swallow such a big lump in my throat.
You keep growing but I want to keep you small forever. I watch you play dress up, play mommy to your babies, and get down on the floor and play hot wheels with your brothers. Not a day goes by that you amaze us. Such a happy little girl for all you have gone through. I could not be more proud to call you mine and have you as my daughter.
Thank you Lily for being the beautiful miracle you are, you are my inspiration, you are who mommy wants to be like.
You are going to be such a great big sister and I hope she takes notes from you.
I love you Lilybug...
Happy Birthday Love