Saturday, November 13, 2010


So I have an announcement to make on this blog that if you are a friend on Facebook you already know.

I am expecting again. Lily is going to be a big sister, along with of course her brother's. I didn't want to announce it on here until I finished my first trimester and here I am 12 weeks and 5 days. So with that being said, I am due May 24th, and I am pretty darn sure this little one is going to be a girl. I have never been this sick before. I was a little bit dizzy with Lily, some foods made me sick, but this pregnancy has been a dozy. I have had to go to the ER 4 times, and the last time I went I was finally admitted. I wasn't dehydrated which was good after how much I was throwing up. But I lost 6lbs in under a month time, on top of battling with horrible migraines that were debilitating, and sleeping 16-18 hours a day. I am now on 3 different anti-nausea meds on top of 2 different pain meds for my headaches. My doctor is hoping that it has to do with my hormone levels, and nothing more serious. I am being monitored closely and already scheduled for a level 2 ultrasound and then we will be scheduling an echo shortly after that just to double check. I will be going in towards the end of December, maybe right before Christmas to find out if I am having a little boy or a little girl. To me I would be fine with either as long as s/he's heart is healthy along with the rest of their little body. But as much as I say that, I would love a little girl because then I would have 2 of each.

I have already talked with my doctor about having my tubes tied after this little one. After everything I have gone through with this pregnancy, my body is screaming at me, "No more, No more." So I am going to listen. I have always wanted 4 kids, so I am done. I am trying to enjoy this pregnancy to the best of my ability even though it has come at a REALLY unexpected time.

To clear up any question's, not that I really have to justify anything, but this child is not Chris's and I am 100% relieved about it. I am Completely thrilled, and so is my boyfriend. I am very happy, minus that Chris and I are still at each other's throat's dealing with court. He is trying to relinquish my rights completely from the yeah...this is a very ugly time. I miss my children very much but they know I love them very much and we still talk each night. I don't get to see them once a week like I was once able to. I have never felt so much anger towards someone in my life. With all that being said, I do not feel like disclosing anymore on here as this is not my own personal blog, this is about how Lily is medically. Which speaking of......

Lily is 36lbs and hasn't really grown any taller then she was a few months ago. She graduated from once a week visits to every other week visits, to now once a MONTH visits. I am so very happy and proud of my little girl and how stable she is medically. I know you are all wanting to see pictures and I promise I will post some here soon. I want to thank you all for all your continued prayers that I know you have always offered. She is doing so well and I stand amazed at all she has over come through her almost 3 years of life now.

I will update here soon, she has a cardiologist apt on the 16th. We have her echo at 10am and follow up with Dr.Rhee at 11am. So once we get the new news, I will update you all.

Sending my Love, Hugs, and Blessings,

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Tiredness and Pain

I am just so tired. Oh so very tired, emotionally drained, mentally drained, and very physically drained. How much begging does one have to do to see their own children. Pleading, trying to hold the tears from falling, and their voice from trembling while doing so, just so he doesn't hear the pain that he is causing. I can't let him have that satisfaction, I swore he would never earn another tear from me, yet that has been nothing but a failed attempt at the truth of the reality. I cry, I scream, I look towards the heavens and ask for strength and I receive none. I know I am not alone, I know He is here with me, but I just feel so utterly alone. The pain is overwhelming, it is suffocating. Sleep brings no peace, my dreams haunt me of my children's laughter or worse, of their pleading cries of wanting nothing more then me. I wake and I have all of their lovies snuggled securely next to me so my first morning breath is the smell of them. And as relaxing as it is to smell them, the pain surges through me as I realizes I don't hear their sweet little voices telling me they want breakfast. I never thought I would miss their constant fighting, but I would give body, mind, and soul to have it all back.

I feel like I am a failed mother and it makes me feel like my mother...and that is one person I have always strived to be nothing like. I try to tell myself, I am one day closer to having them back, but how many days am I away from having them all in my arms again? Everyone tries to reassure me with, "You will get them back, just hang in there." Well I have been "hanging in there" and it is getting harder each day, its like walking through a tunnel knowing you are only going to go further into the darkness, knowing that there is an end to it, there is a light at the end of it, but is it 50ft or 10,000ft away? I am walking a path that is filled with nothing but mountains and trials, I keep stumbling, I have blood on my hands and knees from where I have fallen, but I don't wipe it off, I just stand up and continue, I let the blood serve as a reminder of the pain I have suffered along this journey. A reminder of yes, this is one hell of a battle but one that I will make it through, I may not make it out unharmed, but I will make it out strengthened and exhausted. All worth it in the end to have my babies back. I would travel the world a million times, walk through the desert alone, or swim the ocean if I had to just to get them back. A mothers love is one of a kind, it is unfailing and never dying. I have said it before, it is not better then a fathers love, just different.