Sunday, September 12, 2010

Stream of Consciousness

Sleep over took me once last night, for no more then 2 hours. Then I awoke to thoughts of loneliness and solitude. Trying my hardest to not walk down the hallway into my children's room again, but failing miserably. Reading a book to distract myself from my thoughts, never quite drowning out the ever turning cogs in my mind. Tomorrow marks the 2 week mark of my children being gone. 5 days ago I saw my Lily and Austin, but its almost 2 weeks since seeing my eldest, my Lucas boy. Each day gets harder to talk to him on the phone. The begging and pleading in his voice for me to come and see him. How do I tell him I am not welcomed at the home of his grandparents? How do I tell him that his daddy is keeping him from me? I reassure him I will see him soon and that I love him very much. My heart breaks every time he gets on the phone. He lost his second tooth the other day at school. I have yet to see that toothy smile. I hold his first tooth next to me and remember back to that day with fondness as I plucked it out of his mouth as it hung by a thread. Him giggling over the fact that he lost his tooth. My big boy, almost 7 years old.

Austin, who is so chipper, who thinks he is on a mini vacation at grandma and grandpa's, so blissfully innocent to all that is going on around him. Knowing mommy and daddy won't ever be living together again, but wanting to so much to be back in my arms. As I stood outside this morning watching the sunrise, it is once again hot air balloon season. I remember back to last year at this time, the first time I walked out the front door to take Lucas to the bus stop, and seeing a hot air balloon filling up right behind the back wall of the complex. I ran back inside to grab Austin, who was wearing nothing more then his underwear and still rubbing the sleep from his eyes. I took him outside and pointed, the look of sheer awe and excitement on his face. The question's that followed from his non-stop 3 year old mouth. Asking how they flew up into the sky with fire, telling him it was the hot air that made it possible, and the innocent response of, "Silly mommy, it's hot outside, there is plenty of hot air."

Yearning to hear my sweet Lily girls voice calling, "Mama....MAMA" when she awakes from her slumber. Walking into the room and her arms waiting outstretched for me. Getting half awake kisses with her crazy hair all over the place. Her, "Hi momma" as we walk to the living room and snuggle into the couch for morning cartoons. Her sweet singing voice of Twinkle Twinkle and half sang ABC's. What I would give to snuggle them all close to me right now. To smell their babiness, to kiss their cherub cheeks, to hear their laughter and squeals as we get into a tickle match. To be piled on in bed by them all. I know this won't be forever, but every day that goes by, is one more day of their childhood that I lose. It breaks me, but yet I smile for everyone else to see.

Only few people know how I really feel. Only few have seen my tears, because truly what good does crying do? He won't break me, he doesn't deserve any of my anger and frustration, he doesn't deserve one more of my tears. 7 1/2 years of this I went through because of my children. I know others have held on longer and stuck it out for the children's sake, but that isn't me. He didn't deserve any more of me, my smiles, my laughs, my kisses, so this is the end result. My children being whisked off in the middle of the night, and me left standing empty. Like I said, he won't break me, just make me ten times stronger of a woman then I already was. So Christopher, Thank you, thank you for all the crap you have put me through the past 7 1/2 half years. I'm sorry for all that I have put your through, I would apologize more, but you don't deserve it.

You don't deserve the goodness of our children every morning when you wake up. It wasn't you who tended to them when they were sick, it wasn't you who stayed up late nights, made ER trips, doctor appointments, it wasn't you who kissed boo boos, or made them dinner willingly. It was not you who bathed them because you wanted to, it was not you who started the bed time prayers routine. I sculpted them, I shaped them, why, because I am there mother, it was my duty but most of all its because they are my world. All you had time for was your video games. I hope they were all you wanted and more, because that is all you are going to have left when this is all said and done with. I hope they make you happy and keep you warm at night. Because it will never be me laying next to you in bed ever again. I will not wake you with breakfast in bed, I will not serve you dinner at the computer desk, maybe your mother will, but not I. I do not regret the past, I learn from it, and you have taught me much. Thank you.......