Crying yourself to sleep is one thing. Knowing you will make your pillow damp with tears, as your body shudders with silent sobs, sometimes cries of agony over whatever has made you that way. But waking to a tear stained pillow, wiping them from your face, holding your heart because it hurts, is not something many people do. Unless there are certain circumstances, such as losing a loved one, heart break, either because of the first mentioned, or someone breaking your heart. Or you could wake in pain, so much so you are crying. But none of this was such with me. I went to sleep with my MP3 player on, set on repeat of Redeemer, by Paul Cardall. A peaceful song, one that calms me, helps me process thoughts, or in this case helped me sleep. At first it was a peaceful sleep....let me share my dream with you. The one that has me awake at 2:30 am instead of in my bed with my husband, in his arms.
I was walking, through a grassy field, the tall grass, the type you see in movies, where it is tall enough to run your fingers through it as you walk. It was a light and airy day, I was in a sundress and had a sun hat on. This may sound familiar to many of you who have been reading my blog for some time now. The field where Lily and I dance in our matching sundress and sun hats, singing and laughing. It was a field just like that, but Lily wasn't with me. I was walking, with my journal, tears streaming down my face. Keeping my eyes down cast instead of ahead of me, not taking in the beauty like I should be, but knowing I would feel peace where I was at, instead of the turmoil in my heart. I was a bystander in my dream, watching but not participating. I called out to myself but I never looked up, I looked around for Lily and didn't see her. My heart stopped, I cried out for her, (the bystander me)....and then my dream self spoke, "Lily, I know your here with me, help me write your story." Then it hit me, Lily was gone, she wasn't part of my earthly life anymore. What happened? When did she leave? How long had it been? And it all came back, quiet suddenly. I watched as I began to write in the journal, what I was writing there, came to life in front of me. The title to the first chapter was titled, "The day you went away".........Then began the horror I didn't want to watch. I saw family, walking into the room, stopping to look at me and Chris, and hug us awkwardly, then walk over to her bed, looking at her, then looking at us, "Can we hold her one last time?" it was yes every time, of course we wanted everyone to say good-bye to her. The questions that would be asked was, "How could things go so wrong so quickly?" As a heart parent, we all know things can change quickly and not always for the best.
I watched myself walk from the hospital, supported by my husband, walking in a daze, not believing it was true, that my daughter was gone. I went home, the days blurred by, trying to get everything in order for what needed to be done. When the time came to see her again, I looked up at Chris and asked him, "How can she really be gone?" He said nothing, just hugged me closer to him, as we were greeted by friends and family, offering sympathy and condolences. Then the time came to talk about her life, which I felt no one could do quiet like mommy could, so I put on a brave face and walked up to talk about my Lilybug.
The worst part about the dream is I listened to the eulogy, as I spoke, everything I heard was exactly how I would have said it. Then a montage played, with the song that has always made me think of my Lily girl. It is called Rain, by Priscilla Ahn (click the name, it will take you to the song) I some how got through the day....(I know full well how I did, it was God's presences through out), made it through the days afterwards, not without pain, not without constant tears, but I made it to a place where I was strong enough, to look at my dearest friend, my sister practically, Sami, and tell her we needed to find me a large grass field, a prairie if you may. That I had the urge to walk through it with a Sun hat and a sundress. I knew if I did, Lily would be with me. As she always was in my dreams. So we took off on a road trip, setting out to find my field of dreams. After many states, we found one, (don't ask me which we ended up in, I don't remember) It had a large oak tree in the distance, I began to run, feeling free at first, then falling to my knees in tears, looking up to the heavens above, screaming and crying, "Why can I do this and she can't? Why should I tell her story, when she should have?" Sami came up behind me, helping me up, I turned to see tears running down her face, she held my face in her hands and said, "God doesn't always give us the right reasons Jenna-bee, but he will never leave you alone to face all this on your own. You go sit beneath the oak tree, start writing our Lilybug's story." She walked away, I walked forward, I turned my head and called, "Lily I know you are here with me, help me write your story." and some where far off I heard, "Mama, Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain......what are you waiting for?
Psalms 34:17-19 Yes, the Lord hears the good man when he calls to Him for help, and saves him out of all his troubles. The Lord is close to those whose heart is breaking; He rescues those who are humbly sorry for their sins. The good man does not escape all troubles - he has them, too. But the Lord helps him in each and every one.
Your right Lilybug...what is mama waiting for?Lily is truly alive and thriving, I went to her bedroom to check on her after I awoke to a tear stained pillow and a thudding beat to my heart. But yet my dream reminded me, even though she is here with me now, it is never to early to start back on writing her story. I have been side tracked, always saying, tomorrow, another day, but as of lately, I have been reminded, tomorrow may never come the way the day before was. I want to document her as she is now, capturing all of her vibrant beauty and life. I don't want to wait until she is gone to have to recall on memories. Each day is a blessing, my dream was a reminder of it.
So I close this blog with a saying that you never truly grasp until you find yourself in situations many will never understand. "Live life to its fullest. Live today like it was your last." Short and simple, to the point.
I think I will try my head at sleeping again, this time a dream of less lessons, and more peaceful.
Love, Hugs, and Blessings
Jenna
