Inside my heart

Right now I have so many emotions, so much turmoil in my soul, it is becoming over baring and suffocating. Not knowing how to stay on top of it all, not being able to put into words how I feel about everything, it is reeking havoc on me right now. I am up, I am down, I plaster a smile on my face for all to see, trying not to show my cracks. But Monday about broke me, broke my heart, broke my soul, broke almost all of me.

Lily no longer comes running to me. She gets excited and calls "Mama, Mama" but as soon as she is out of the car she turns around and looks for daddy and grabs his hand. While in the doctors office its not my lap she wants to sit on, its daddy's. When she gets his finger poked, its not me she looks to for comfort, its daddy. She runs to him and buries her head into his lap, she offers kisses freely to him, while turning her head away from me when I ask. Only to get kisses once daddy says, "Lily give mommy a kiss." I never use to have to ask, she never use to run away from me. Its not fair, I carried her, she is mine, heart, body, soul, and mind. I struggled with her through everything. Being with her at the hospital every moment that I possibly could, daddy only being there for surgeries and then to come and pick us up or to come by for a quick visit. And now I am turned away from. She has not trust for me, I have always been the one to hand her over to the doctors. The one who has allowed them to poke at her. And now I am not there, mommy isn't there to pick her up in the morning. Mommy isn't there chasing her around the house. I am not there to hold her when she cries. I am not a mommy right now, I feel useless. I feel broken and pointless. I have failed my children by not being able to love their father, by saying I couldn't take a loveless marriage any longer. I failed them by not being there for them right now.

When we went to go leave the mall on Monday, after Chris "graciously" let me spend over an hour with my children, Lily was walking ahead with her daddy. I was walking behind hand in hand with the boys. While Lily got to the car before me and she didn't see me and I heard her screaming, "Mama, I want Mama." I couldn't run to the car quick enough, when I got there, and she saw me, she ran up and wrapped her arms around my legs and hugged me and held onto me for dear life. I almost cried right there but not wanting to explain the tears to Lucas and Austin, I held them at bay as I leaned down and picked Lily up. I wrapped her in my arms, I laid her head on my shoulder, and I whispered in her ear, "Near or far my Lilybug, mommy will always be right here with you." I tapped on her chest and gave her kisses all over her face. I had to put her in the car and she wouldn't let go. Having to pry her fingers off of me, having to kiss all my babies faces goodbye, how cruel. Lucas sitting over in his seat with tears threatening behind his eyes. Leaning over telling him "Baby don't cry, Mommy will see you again soon." Him sadly smiling and saying, "But I don't have next Monday off mommy." How do I look at him and tell him that I don't know when I will see him again. That I am at the mercy of his father right now. Until a judge tells me otherwise. Because going and getting them would start an tug of war and is frowned upon.

I ache daily for them, they are my first waking thought, and my last before sleep. I crave their smell, I long for their kisses, and my world rests in their pudgy little hands when I hold them. I miss them more then I have ever missed anything in life, trying my best not to have panic attacks when I hit my lows, knowing this won't last forever. But with each passing day, I feel this hole in my heart is never going to be mended. I just want this ache to stop...it hurts so bad....so bad...

My Dearest Lucas, My Precious Austin, and My Sweet Sweet Lily, mommy miss you so much and not a day goes by that I don't count until you are back with me. I love you more then you will ever know. I send you kisses, I send you hugs, and I send you my endless love.

Forever in my heart,
Your Mommy

Come Home Soon My Loves.....

I cried myself to sleep last night. It was the first time in a while, realizing it does no good, only causing me a headache in the morning, but last night could not be helped. I have my babies pictures next to my bed and before the lights were turned off I stared into their sweet and innocent eyes. They were looking at me, staring into my soul, it was like I could almost hear their little voices calling me. Begging me to hold them, to snuggle with them. Asking me why I wasn't there with them, why it wasn't me tucking them into bed each night. Why it wasn't me saying prayers to all 3 of them at one time instead of individually at night over the phone. I should be singing songs to them while playing on the floor with them, building block towers or coloring. Snuggling on the couch with them watching a movie, fighting with them about clean up and bed time. I want to hear Austin say, "Mommy stop, you're embarrassing," while I am making up songs while cleaning. I want Lily tugging at my pant leg saying, "I Help." while doing dishes and laundry. I miss Lucas telling me his stories about school, about what level he beat of the Mario Kart, and his sweet kisses on my cheek out of nowhere, while throwing his arms around my neck telling me, "I love you so much mommy."
Not having them with me is like a piece of my soul is missing, like it was ripped out of me, with no chance of healing unless they are put back. A mothers love is different from a fathers love, not better, not more, just different. I carried those babies, I dreamed of their faces, of their smile, how they would look when they got older. How they would smell after their baths, their sweet innocent voices. They were mine from the moment I knew about them, I loved them before they were anything more then a little blooming bud with a tail. Each kick was the sweetest most treasured moment, knowing I could calm them down from inside me just but the sound of my voice. Singing sweet lullaby's to them, telling them about the world they were going to get to know, and how much they were loved. Worrying about if they were going to be healthy, crying when I found out about Lily's heart, all the while Chris not shedding a tear, never really grasping the reality of it. Those are my sweet loves, more to me then my life is. I live and breathe for them, I would fight the world to protect them, give my life itself for them. I want my babies back, not tomorrow, but right now. I want to fall asleep with them next to me, with their soft snores and sweaty heads laying next to me. I want them in my arms, I want to kiss their boo-boo's better again, I want to sit and sing nursery rhymes, and listen to them sing them back to me and listen to their silly mistakes with the words. I want to do what I am supposed to be doing, be their mommy. I can only imagine what it is going to be like they day they were returned my my arms, to my household. The day can't come soon enough. They may drive me absolutely crazy at times, may make me want to take a vacation, but such are the craziness of kids.....I would not trade any of it....not a thing...