Announcement

So I have an announcement to make on this blog that if you are a friend on Facebook you already know.



I am expecting again. Lily is going to be a big sister, along with of course her brother's. I didn't want to announce it on here until I finished my first trimester and here I am 12 weeks and 5 days. So with that being said, I am due May 24th, and I am pretty darn sure this little one is going to be a girl. I have never been this sick before. I was a little bit dizzy with Lily, some foods made me sick, but this pregnancy has been a dozy. I have had to go to the ER 4 times, and the last time I went I was finally admitted. I wasn't dehydrated which was good after how much I was throwing up. But I lost 6lbs in under a month time, on top of battling with horrible migraines that were debilitating, and sleeping 16-18 hours a day. I am now on 3 different anti-nausea meds on top of 2 different pain meds for my headaches. My doctor is hoping that it has to do with my hormone levels, and nothing more serious. I am being monitored closely and already scheduled for a level 2 ultrasound and then we will be scheduling an echo shortly after that just to double check. I will be going in towards the end of December, maybe right before Christmas to find out if I am having a little boy or a little girl. To me I would be fine with either as long as s/he's heart is healthy along with the rest of their little body. But as much as I say that, I would love a little girl because then I would have 2 of each.


I have already talked with my doctor about having my tubes tied after this little one. After everything I have gone through with this pregnancy, my body is screaming at me, "No more, No more." So I am going to listen. I have always wanted 4 kids, so I am done. I am trying to enjoy this pregnancy to the best of my ability even though it has come at a REALLY unexpected time.

To clear up any question's, not that I really have to justify anything, but this child is not Chris's and I am 100% relieved about it. I am Completely thrilled, and so is my boyfriend. I am very happy, minus that Chris and I are still at each other's throat's dealing with court. He is trying to relinquish my rights completely from the kids....so yeah...this is a very ugly time. I miss my children very much but they know I love them very much and we still talk each night. I don't get to see them once a week like I was once able to. I have never felt so much anger towards someone in my life. With all that being said, I do not feel like disclosing anymore on here as this is not my own personal blog, this is about how Lily is medically. Which speaking of......

Lily is 36lbs and hasn't really grown any taller then she was a few months ago. She graduated from once a week visits to every other week visits, to now once a MONTH visits. I am so very happy and proud of my little girl and how stable she is medically. I know you are all wanting to see pictures and I promise I will post some here soon. I want to thank you all for all your continued prayers that I know you have always offered. She is doing so well and I stand amazed at all she has over come through her almost 3 years of life now.

I will update here soon, she has a cardiologist apt on the 16th. We have her echo at 10am and follow up with Dr.Rhee at 11am. So once we get the new news, I will update you all.

Sending my Love, Hugs, and Blessings,
Jenna

Tiredness and Pain

I am just so tired. Oh so very tired, emotionally drained, mentally drained, and very physically drained. How much begging does one have to do to see their own children. Pleading, trying to hold the tears from falling, and their voice from trembling while doing so, just so he doesn't hear the pain that he is causing. I can't let him have that satisfaction, I swore he would never earn another tear from me, yet that has been nothing but a failed attempt at the truth of the reality. I cry, I scream, I look towards the heavens and ask for strength and I receive none. I know I am not alone, I know He is here with me, but I just feel so utterly alone. The pain is overwhelming, it is suffocating. Sleep brings no peace, my dreams haunt me of my children's laughter or worse, of their pleading cries of wanting nothing more then me. I wake and I have all of their lovies snuggled securely next to me so my first morning breath is the smell of them. And as relaxing as it is to smell them, the pain surges through me as I realizes I don't hear their sweet little voices telling me they want breakfast. I never thought I would miss their constant fighting, but I would give body, mind, and soul to have it all back.

I feel like I am a failed mother and it makes me feel like my mother...and that is one person I have always strived to be nothing like. I try to tell myself, I am one day closer to having them back, but how many days am I away from having them all in my arms again? Everyone tries to reassure me with, "You will get them back, just hang in there." Well I have been "hanging in there" and it is getting harder each day, its like walking through a tunnel knowing you are only going to go further into the darkness, knowing that there is an end to it, there is a light at the end of it, but is it 50ft or 10,000ft away? I am walking a path that is filled with nothing but mountains and trials, I keep stumbling, I have blood on my hands and knees from where I have fallen, but I don't wipe it off, I just stand up and continue, I let the blood serve as a reminder of the pain I have suffered along this journey. A reminder of yes, this is one hell of a battle but one that I will make it through, I may not make it out unharmed, but I will make it out strengthened and exhausted. All worth it in the end to have my babies back. I would travel the world a million times, walk through the desert alone, or swim the ocean if I had to just to get them back. A mothers love is one of a kind, it is unfailing and never dying. I have said it before, it is not better then a fathers love, just different.

Inside my heart

Right now I have so many emotions, so much turmoil in my soul, it is becoming over baring and suffocating. Not knowing how to stay on top of it all, not being able to put into words how I feel about everything, it is reeking havoc on me right now. I am up, I am down, I plaster a smile on my face for all to see, trying not to show my cracks. But Monday about broke me, broke my heart, broke my soul, broke almost all of me.

Lily no longer comes running to me. She gets excited and calls "Mama, Mama" but as soon as she is out of the car she turns around and looks for daddy and grabs his hand. While in the doctors office its not my lap she wants to sit on, its daddy's. When she gets his finger poked, its not me she looks to for comfort, its daddy. She runs to him and buries her head into his lap, she offers kisses freely to him, while turning her head away from me when I ask. Only to get kisses once daddy says, "Lily give mommy a kiss." I never use to have to ask, she never use to run away from me. Its not fair, I carried her, she is mine, heart, body, soul, and mind. I struggled with her through everything. Being with her at the hospital every moment that I possibly could, daddy only being there for surgeries and then to come and pick us up or to come by for a quick visit. And now I am turned away from. She has not trust for me, I have always been the one to hand her over to the doctors. The one who has allowed them to poke at her. And now I am not there, mommy isn't there to pick her up in the morning. Mommy isn't there chasing her around the house. I am not there to hold her when she cries. I am not a mommy right now, I feel useless. I feel broken and pointless. I have failed my children by not being able to love their father, by saying I couldn't take a loveless marriage any longer. I failed them by not being there for them right now.

When we went to go leave the mall on Monday, after Chris "graciously" let me spend over an hour with my children, Lily was walking ahead with her daddy. I was walking behind hand in hand with the boys. While Lily got to the car before me and she didn't see me and I heard her screaming, "Mama, I want Mama." I couldn't run to the car quick enough, when I got there, and she saw me, she ran up and wrapped her arms around my legs and hugged me and held onto me for dear life. I almost cried right there but not wanting to explain the tears to Lucas and Austin, I held them at bay as I leaned down and picked Lily up. I wrapped her in my arms, I laid her head on my shoulder, and I whispered in her ear, "Near or far my Lilybug, mommy will always be right here with you." I tapped on her chest and gave her kisses all over her face. I had to put her in the car and she wouldn't let go. Having to pry her fingers off of me, having to kiss all my babies faces goodbye, how cruel. Lucas sitting over in his seat with tears threatening behind his eyes. Leaning over telling him "Baby don't cry, Mommy will see you again soon." Him sadly smiling and saying, "But I don't have next Monday off mommy." How do I look at him and tell him that I don't know when I will see him again. That I am at the mercy of his father right now. Until a judge tells me otherwise. Because going and getting them would start an tug of war and is frowned upon.

I ache daily for them, they are my first waking thought, and my last before sleep. I crave their smell, I long for their kisses, and my world rests in their pudgy little hands when I hold them. I miss them more then I have ever missed anything in life, trying my best not to have panic attacks when I hit my lows, knowing this won't last forever. But with each passing day, I feel this hole in my heart is never going to be mended. I just want this ache to stop...it hurts so bad....so bad...

My Dearest Lucas, My Precious Austin, and My Sweet Sweet Lily, mommy miss you so much and not a day goes by that I don't count until you are back with me. I love you more then you will ever know. I send you kisses, I send you hugs, and I send you my endless love.

Forever in my heart,
Your Mommy

Come Home Soon My Loves.....

I cried myself to sleep last night. It was the first time in a while, realizing it does no good, only causing me a headache in the morning, but last night could not be helped. I have my babies pictures next to my bed and before the lights were turned off I stared into their sweet and innocent eyes. They were looking at me, staring into my soul, it was like I could almost hear their little voices calling me. Begging me to hold them, to snuggle with them. Asking me why I wasn't there with them, why it wasn't me tucking them into bed each night. Why it wasn't me saying prayers to all 3 of them at one time instead of individually at night over the phone. I should be singing songs to them while playing on the floor with them, building block towers or coloring. Snuggling on the couch with them watching a movie, fighting with them about clean up and bed time. I want to hear Austin say, "Mommy stop, you're embarrassing," while I am making up songs while cleaning. I want Lily tugging at my pant leg saying, "I Help." while doing dishes and laundry. I miss Lucas telling me his stories about school, about what level he beat of the Mario Kart, and his sweet kisses on my cheek out of nowhere, while throwing his arms around my neck telling me, "I love you so much mommy."
Not having them with me is like a piece of my soul is missing, like it was ripped out of me, with no chance of healing unless they are put back. A mothers love is different from a fathers love, not better, not more, just different. I carried those babies, I dreamed of their faces, of their smile, how they would look when they got older. How they would smell after their baths, their sweet innocent voices. They were mine from the moment I knew about them, I loved them before they were anything more then a little blooming bud with a tail. Each kick was the sweetest most treasured moment, knowing I could calm them down from inside me just but the sound of my voice. Singing sweet lullaby's to them, telling them about the world they were going to get to know, and how much they were loved. Worrying about if they were going to be healthy, crying when I found out about Lily's heart, all the while Chris not shedding a tear, never really grasping the reality of it. Those are my sweet loves, more to me then my life is. I live and breathe for them, I would fight the world to protect them, give my life itself for them. I want my babies back, not tomorrow, but right now. I want to fall asleep with them next to me, with their soft snores and sweaty heads laying next to me. I want them in my arms, I want to kiss their boo-boo's better again, I want to sit and sing nursery rhymes, and listen to them sing them back to me and listen to their silly mistakes with the words. I want to do what I am supposed to be doing, be their mommy. I can only imagine what it is going to be like they day they were returned my my arms, to my household. The day can't come soon enough. They may drive me absolutely crazy at times, may make me want to take a vacation, but such are the craziness of kids.....I would not trade any of it....not a thing...