Pictures of Lily 4 months old!

Well here is little Miss Lily girl sitting in her Bumbo seat like a Big Little girl! 4 Months old, so big!

She found her feet and now she won't let them go! When she found them she gave me this look like..."OH MY....I knew these were around here somewhere"....then she proceeded to place her foot in her mouth and grin at me like she was saying...."My Friend!"

Yes she has pig tails, I can't believe how much hair she still has to this day. It just seems to keep growing and growing and doesn't seem like it will be leaving anytime soon

A Cup of Lily makes the world go round!

This is my photo shoot at home with Lily, with a teacup...that is a planter...I love how they turned out.....seeing I can't take her out for pictures, and we can't afford for in home photography so I have to make due with what I have. I will update shortly about Lily.

My Storm Clouds!

So as I sat and reread my last blog and all the comments that went with it, seeing I post on Blogspot, Myspace, and Cafemom. I had many encouraging words and I had many that echoed, you are not alone. I know I am not alone in the CHD World, but In that moment in time when the doctor told me the news over the phone, I was alone, I was the one that stood there and absorbed the news, the one that digested it, that one that had to break it down for everyone else to understand. I was there once again deciding what was our best course of action. I know I am not alone but when all medical news falls on your shoulders you become alone. The first day is the worst, you cry, you get angry, you are so overcome with a rush of emotions you can't get your head to stop hurting even if it was to save your life. The day after you are no longer a crying wreck but an emotinal wreck. Then you try to explain over and over how you are ok, dont worry about me....we will be fine.....but all the while you are screaming from the inside...begging for it all to end somedays, swearing up and down you cant do this, you aren't strong enough for any of it....that it will never be OK....that life will never be the same. Yet you continue to put on a smile for every, you create such a front that no one can penatrate the emotional turmoil you are feeling. It will get better...its just waiting for that rain of sunshine to come through the storm clouds is the hardest......Come what may.....this is my life until my dying day!

Am I a Supermom?

So where do I start, what do I say now? Lilys heart still isnt fireing right, her arrythmias are still there so up we go on her beta blocker. Will that fix the problem? we sure pray it will, if it doesn't you all are most likely wondering what steps we take after that......well that would be a back to the hospital we go for a heart cath to take a closer sneak peak at her heart. They are wondering if it could be a blockage somewhere they will have to ballon out, or is something is leaking etc. They wont know until they go in there to see in greater deatil. So what would this all ultimantly mean, more time in the hospital, because a heart cath you are usually there for at least 3 days. If they find something I dont even know what to begin to think. I am terrified....like I am sick to my stomach right now, I want to cry, I want to be a little girl again and crawl into my daddys lap and him stroke my hair as he tells me it will all be alright, I just want to go home sometimes. I love my in laws, with all my heart, they have been beyond supportive and I can never thank them enough for helping us, but of course we all know sometimes no one is as good as mom or dad. As a little girl you know your daddy is your hero and he can fix anything, but as you grow you know that is not the truth. Now as a parent here I am....and my kids look to me and think I can fix everything....that I am supermom...I am their hero and when I look at Lily and she looks at me...I feel no superhero power...that no ammount of power I have will save her if the Lord truly doesnt want it. People think of a supermom as one that can cook, clean, have play time, and keep socical engagements. I think of a supermom as one that raises her kids right, that raisies them and keeps them from harms way, while still teaching them lifes lessons. Will I ever get to teach Lily those lessons? Will I be a supermom to her? Only the Lord God Almighty knows that answer to those questions.....this is where I end this blog, I can no longer see through my tears...I am so frusterated....can my poor baby catch a break?