Today my daughter told me she hated me. She looked directly at me and said, "I hae you....I hae you." She proceeded to roll over with her blanket and bury her head on the couch. I stood in the kitchen stunned, wondering if I just heard what I thought I did. Did my 2 year old just say that to me? Then I looked over at my friend and asked if she heard her say it and she shook her head. Both of us trying to think of anything else it could have been instead of "I hate you."
Where did this come from? Well today was an INR check and with each comes a weight check. We have been battling with Lily's weight since surgery. This little tank, who use to eat food like she would never get any more, now refuses things she once use to eat with glee. I have dealt with a child not eating and being picky. Lucas prepared me in ten fold for that but I didn't ever worry about his weight like I do with Lily's. Now for a heart baby, she is huge. She is above the normal 2 year old curve for girls even without a heart problem, but it is the pure fact that her weight is fluctuating as much as it is, that is our main concern. Losing just under 2lbs in under a week and a half. Granted she has been sick, but she is not been in-taking the amount of calories needed for her little heart. So where does this leave us? Right back to were we started originally, with the icky yucky NG tube. Hence the reason why she told me she hated me today.
As I laid the supplies out, getting everything ready, she started screaming. As soon as she saw me pull out the bag that the pediasure goes into she goes, "No no no no, no no mama, no no." She held her hand over her nose, and ran the other way. Coughing and gagging in pure fear. Then as soon as it goes in, she held her nose screaming "Owww...Owww mama,Owww...take out....take out.." I just held her and rocked, there was nothing more to do. She calmed but she wouldn't look at me, she just wanted to lean against me. She didn't respond to me, in a way it was almost like she was shell shocked. Mommy was the bad guy, I am always the bad guy to her. I am the one that puts these dang tubes down the nose, I am the one who gives her yucky medicine, I am the once who gives her the owwie shots. I take her to the doctors, I allow them to poke and prod her. Most days she still wants me at the end of it, she will still curl into my arms and allow me my daily snuggles, but not today. Today she wanted to get far away from me. I tucked her into bed and kissed her good night, I told her I loved her, in which she usually always responds with, "Uvv Eww." Tonight she rolled over and put her back to me. It was a punch in the gut to me. Lucas hasn't even said he hates me, and he's 6. Austin is 4 and those words haven't uttered past his lips, but not Lily. She has a lot to be mad about, I get it, I would be mad too...she is to young to understand it all and what all of this is for...but it doesn't make it easier. I know come tomorrow she will give me kisses, and granted she will still have her tube, she is usually more forgiving the next day...usually...then again, she has never said she hated me either.
I know she didn't mean it, I know she loves me, but at that moment in time i made her mad, she used a word I didn't even know she knew...
Transplant Day 8
22 hours ago