Thursday, March 16, 2017

I shall believe

Even if it's a lie, say it will be alright.
In just 4 short days, we will know the extent of what is going on in my little girls heart.

In 4 days, I might be able to breathe again, even if it's just for a second, while it is to inhale to sob.

In 4 days, I will be sitting back in a hospital room, listening to my daughters heart on a monition.

And I am not ready. 

How can I not be ready for a simple procedure? Yet a heart buddy just had a heart transplant?

It makes my fears seem so small in comparison.

Lily is not in heart failure but her heart is sick. Her cardiologist told me not to let cath lab stop her procedure on Monday because of her cough. You see Lily has this horrible cough, if you heard her, you would think she was sick, but you see, she's not sick with a cold, it is her heart. It is the VSD, the hole is getting bigger and bigger and the blood is mixing, and causing her cough. Which I knew before seeing him, it was her father who was uneducated. I am the one who stays ahead of medical. 

I've done so much research on her mechanical valve failing and the chances of it being the valve or her heart rejecting it per-say. The things you learn when you read medical documents, I could bore you with percentage rates and such. You see, this is how I calm myself, I research. 

But one can only do so much research and then I am back to,

Even if it's a lie, say it will be alright.

My chest keeps tightening, I lay in her bed, I hold her baby dolls, and I just smell her, because I'm so damn afraid of what is to come and what we are to learn. 

Research is good but research is bad....

Even if it's a lie, say it will be alright, and I shall believe.

Come Monday I will be a pillar of strength, but right now, when the house sleeps, I sit here, with my head in my hands, and cry, because she was supposed to be ok, she wasn't supposed to have anymore surgeries, and I'm scared

1 comment:

cici said...

What a beautiful heartfelt post. It brings tears to my eyes as I see the photo of Lilly, and I know the feelings you feel and the researching to find positive answers.
Anxiety is the fear of the unknown and I do not do well with that, especially at night in the dark, so I feel your fear.
I want you to know that I have Lilly covered in Prayer for her upcoming checkup and I am Praying for Peace and Comfort for you.
Stay strong and positive Mommy knowing God is in charge.
{{ Big Hug}}