October 15th is a day that touches many even before having a critically ill child or lossing a child. When I say lossing a child, I mean it as in, losing a child due to a miscarriage, a childhood illness, a tragic accident of any sort.
When this day comes around it is a sad day for myself, and it serves as a reminder of how blessed I truely am to have Lily in my life! I lost a child back in Febuary of 2005, I was only 6 weeks along, but it was a loss none the less. I felt a part of my soul being ripped out of me and every year when November rolls around, it is always a bitter sweet month for me. Lucas's birthday is celebrated that month, but he also shares the month with my child that I never met. Also November was the month our lives changed for good, that was the month we found out Lily's heart was not a normal heart. That was the month that we found out we were to be having a sick child, one that would never truly be whole and well. Then when February comes, I am now reminded not only about the birth of my beautiful baby girl, whom I am beyond thankful for, but I am also reminded about the little one I lost that month. I know when I am called home, I will meet my little one, I know he or she has met my papa who is up there waiting for all of us to join him. Papa, I miss you, please keep singing those lullabys to my sweet little one until I can.
I try not to be to sad on this day because if I would have never of lost that baby, I would never of had my Austin boy. I would have been celebrating a 5th birthday and a 3rd in November, but now I celebrate a 3rd birthday in January. So, I am blessed, and I am reminded of that everyday.
Ever since I have had Lily, and even before it, I have been reminded that everyday is the purest blessing I have. While being pregnant, I was aquainted with a few very special woman. All of us had special heart babies, all little girls also. My first girlfriend, Kristina, lost her little girl Chloe, at 36 weeks, if I remember correctly, she was about 8 weeks ahead of me at the time. Her little girl had fluid around her heart while in her mommies tummy and it was just to much for her. She passed away and almost as soon as she did, Kristina knew something was wrong. She went to the hospital, and they confirmed her worst fears. She went through what no mother should have to go through, she went through labor and delieverd her sweet baby girl, the one that she had felt move and kick her, her entire pregnancy.But when she came out, she no longer graced the world with her liveness, or spirit, seeing it was already back in heaven with the Angels, but she did grace everyone with her beauty. No cries of life admitted from her body, just stillness and peace. Her heart was broken while her mother was pregnant, but it was now again whole as she was called home!
My other friend Kaitlyn, lost her little girl after getting to spend less then 2 days with her. Angel was her name, and an angel is what she was, was born via-c-section and whisked away almost imediatly. She not only had a special heart but she also had a problem called Encephalocele, that is where a bag of fluid will form around the top of the spinal cord at the back of the head, and patrood out of the body. Her mama could not deliever her naturaly in fear of this sac bursting. They were trying to give her every chance at life they could, but when the Lord wants you to be home with him, his will is stronger then any of ours.
I have known a few woman since having Lily that have lost their children. One I was friends with while pregnant with Lily, her little boy had HLHS and had underwent his first two surgeries, he seemed to be doing well, except for an infection that he got. The doctors put him on a couple medications to fight it and sent him home. His grandparents told his mommy and daddy they needed a little vaction, and that they would stay there with their little boy. So daddy and mommy got on a plane and flew to Las Vegas. When the plane touched down she turned on her phone, only to recieve the worst phone call ever. Their beautiful son had been called home to his maker. He became lathargic, so grandma and grandpa loaded him up in the car to take him back to the hospital, he stopped breathing on his way there, when they got there, he was worked for almost 2 hours, but by that time it was already to late. Little Seamus was a happy child that touched everyone that knew him.
I knew a mother while at St.Joes, her little boy was in the room right next door to Lily, he was a couple months older then Lily at the time. He also had HLHS if I remember correctly. His mama, had 2 other little boys so spent as much time as she could there with him. After Lilys emergency o.h.s, when she started to recover, he started to deterorate. Which was a shock to all of us, seeing he was doing so well only a few weeks before. Lily started to fight with everything she had, and he started to slipping away slowly to be back home with Jesus. I still remember the day that he passed. The floor was so quite, in a way defeated. Everychild lost to a CHD, hurts everyone that has ever been affected by it, even if you haven't lost a child or not. I remember walking pass the room and such a feeling came over me, that I looked up and saw Bridgett walking out. I wanted to give her a hug and to this day I regret that I didn't. Her heart was being broken and there was nothing any of us could do about it. He passed in his mothers arms, after they turned off everything because they knew they could no longer fight something that was stronger then them. Even after they were gone, the floor didn't say much, everyone stayed in their rooms with their babies, and thanked the Lord almighty for another day with their precious blessing. And even though no one ever said it aloud, you knew what the other was thinking, which was, Thank You Lord, that wasn't my child. But we all know that, that could be us any day.
The last story I want to share, you can actually visit her blog spot and read the whole story. It is the story of Eden. I never met her or her parents in person but cried the day Eden was called home. I have made mention of her in a few of my other blogs, she shared the same birthday as Lily and Bela, and had the same speical heart condition that Bela has. She lost her brave fight and was called home to the Lord on July 5th. She just celebrated 3 months back in heavan with her heavanly Father, she is whole once again, but here on earth, she has so many that miss her. I will not go into deatial of her story, that is what her Blogspot is for. Look for the link on the left hand side of the page titled Angel Eden, and start from the beginning.
So, as I wrap up this blog, I want to say a prayer for all those who have lost a baby or a child. I may not know entirealy how you feel, but to an extent. As I lay down tonight I will ask that our Heavanly Father wrap his arms around all of us that hurt on this day espically, and hurt every other day of the year that isn't on the calendar to be marked by others to see. May we all find some comfort as we lay our heads down to sleep tonight, and remind ourselves, even though our Angels are no longer here with us on this earth, they wait for us to walk through the gates into heaven and call their name.
I will continue to cry for every loss we have, because every baby that we lose to a CHD, is almost a personal loss to me...because I am reminded everyday, that could be my Lily.
Sending out my Love and Hugs to all that need them on this day!
Jenna
.jpg)
(This is my reason for walking....along with all of our heart friend to Left, and many others that aren't listed!)
